Sunday, March 31, 2013

When the Easter Bunny Comes a Calling, Run and Hide!

So yesterday I was standing at the kitchen sink doing the dishes, when I saw a delivery man heading up the sidewalk carrying a big bouquet.

A series of thoughts went through my head something like this...

First thought: Who on earth could be sending me flowers? I just saw CatMan last night, and beside the fact that sending flowers would be beyond out of character for him, the dude is dealing with a fractured pelvis at the moment, and he's not exactly in a place to be thinking about things like sending me flowers for no particular reason.

Second thought: It could be some sort of a belated birthday gift from somebody... but everybody I would expect to send me birthday wishes already has.

Third thought: I suppose it could be an Easter gift... but nobody in my atheist family even celebrates Easter.

Fourth thought: They must be for the neighbors up the street. Our addresses have the same numbers but in a different order, and people are forever mixing them up.

Fifth thought: OMG, there's been a rash of crimes in the area involving people posing as delivery men in order to gain access to unsuspecting people's houses. He could be a criminal!!!

Apparently, I have watched one too many crime thrillers, because my instant reaction was to duck down behind the kitchen counter so he couldn't see me, and pretend I wasn't home.

So I'm cowering there peeking over the edge to see out the window when I see him heading around to the back of the house.

Next thought: OMG, OMG, OMG - he's going to try to break in the back door!!!!

So I go running through the house, lock the back door and hide in the bedroom wondering if I should call 9-1-1. Just then, the phone rings. I look at the Caller ID and it reads "Edible Arrangements". Fuck!

Of course I ignore the call... I mean, I'm not supposed to be home, right?

Maybe he'll just leave the thing on the porch and go away. A few minutes later the phone rings again... "Edible Arrangements" again. Double Fuck!!

This time he leaves a message. "Hello, this is John from Edible Arrangements, I tried to deliver a bouquet for you, but since you weren't home, your next door neighbor was kind enough to accept it for you." Triple Fuck!!!

Now what do I do? I love my next door neighbor, but the woman seriously has extra sensory perception in terms of what's going on in the neighborhood. She's gonna be sitting there looking out the window waiting for me to "come home." How am I gonna get myself out of this one?

Next thought: I know, I'll tell her I was in the shower... but I don't look like I was in the shower...

I quickly rip off my clothing and jump into the shower.

How does the saying go... in for a penny, in for a pound...

Anyhow, about 15 minutes later I sheepishly call my neighbor and explain that I was in the shower, and wander over with my wet hair to thank her and accept a giant bouquet of fruit and candy with a note from my mother reading: Happy Easter!!

So all of this brings up an interesting series of questions...

First, and most obviously - Have I completely and totally lost my marbles?
-- Wait -- don't answer that!

Secondly, WTF?!? When did my atheist family start celebrating Easter? Seriously, I'm sorta feeling like I missed the memo or something.

Finally, and most importantly... see that green stuff in and among all of the spears of fresh fruit... that's kale. Should I eat the kale? I mean it is called an "edible arrangement" after all... but I'm sure they don't exactly intend you to eat the kale... but, you know... it's kale... I love kale!

OK... well that's about all the news from the funny farm.

Here's wishing you all a very Happy Easter!


  1. That's too funny. I don't think you're crazy, because I could see myself having the exact thoughts and actions.

    I'll interested to hear what your mother has to say about sending you something for Easter.

    1. Well, I'm not expecting a straight answer... Mom doesn't exactly "do" communication. :-)

  2. I bet we've all done something crazy to make us appear sane. Hilarious. Happy Easter.

  3. I've never actually done that, but I too can see myself following that thought process! Or perhaps the more simple 'can't be bothered to talk to people, hope they leave parcel in the shed' thought process!
    Eat the kale!

    1. Ha! I have the "can't be bothered" thought often... I think this time I just went a tad bit overboard! :-)

  4. That's hilarious, you had me laughing out loud :) I sometimes pretend I'm not home because I don't want to talk to anyone, hoping they'll just leave the parcel, and at my old house I never answered the home phone, because I'd never given anyone the number, so it was always my housemates' parents.

    Luckily because I now live under a house (with the same address), no one will ever come to my door unless it's specifically to see me (you have to go around the side of the house to get to my front door).

    Anyway, I think you should eat the kale :) It sells for $6 a bunch over here, and that's when I can find it! And enjoy the rest of the fruit :)

    1. $6/bunch for kale?!? Holy Moly. I'll eat every bite and think of you while I do!

  5. nope, not crazy. I did something similar (milder though). Yesterday I was walking home from church in my heels, a dress, carrying a HUGE easter lilly and my handbag, all the while holding an umbrella because it was raining cats and dogs. A guy pulls over in front of me and I'm like "oh my god, is this complete stranger going to grab me and kidnap me?!" He opens the door and offers me a ride. I was only three blocks away and fear got me so I said no. But as I painfully walked the last few blocks, I watched him drive away and saw that he had a West Point licsense plate. Now, is a West Point grad really going to try to kidnap a woman who could easily bash him over the head with a large potted plant? No. I should've taken the ride! I totally understand the irrational thoughts. At least you recognize them. The edible arrangement looks tasty, hope it's good!

    1. Oh, I NEVER would have gotten in that car, and I don't think the West Point license plates would have been a comfort at all. I'd be busy thinking about the bizarre case a few years ago where some Air Force cadet and his girlfriend murdered another woman... Too many crime thrillers, or too much news... sort of one in the same these days!

  6. I can't believe I missed this post until now. You surely crack me up. I think you are certifiably crazy :-) I received one edible arrangement it was delicious but I kept thinking about the cost of it and knowing I would never pay for it, so I didn't really enjoy the gift.

    1. Oh, I'm sure it cost a pretty penny. And to be brutally honest, it wasn't all that good. Melons aren't exactly in season right now, so the cantaloupe was not quite ripe, neither were the strawberries, and the honeydew was sorta mushy. The doves are actually pieces of pineapple dipped in either white chocolate or some sort of yogurt thing - they were OK, but the pineapple itself was hard and fibrous.

      Anyhow... I chopped it all up, added a few other pieces of fruit and it made a good fruit salad. I fear the grapes got scarfed LONG before they ever made it into the salad though... Did I ever mention that I LOVE grapes? :-)


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