So here's the deal, the lab report on the fine needle aspiration of his bladder tumor came back showing that it is likely (but not certainly) benign... more like a polyp than a tumor.
Soooo... hooray.... sorta, kinda, maybe.
I'll spare you all the gory details, but the long and the short of it is that surgery is not an option (at least not a good one) and there's really no way to tell how fast the thing is growing. This all means that he could be fine for a year or more, or I could be faced with having to make the decision to put him to sleep tomorrow - and there's just no way to know.
For the moment we've got him on several medications including Prednisone in an attempt to shrink or at least stabilize the size of it, and we've just got to wait and see. Thank God he likes pill pockets!
On the one hand, I am relieved and delighted that we're no longer in "no hope" territory, on the other hand, he's not out of the woods... not by a long shot.
So all of this leaves me struggling with my emotions. While I can talk a good game when it comes to being all Zen and living in the moment, the reality is that I'm swinging wildly between feeling like everything is OK, and fits of both panic and sadness.
I know that eventually I'm gonna lose him, and it's gonna be sooner rather than later. I mean, he is 15 after all... And somehow that part I can deal with... that part is just sadness, loss and grief. Not that it will be easy, but I have some sense that I can handle that.
The part I'm having real trouble with is the awesome responsibility - I'm just so afraid that I'll make the "wrong" decision. I guess it also brings up all sorts of emotions about death and suffering in general. I'm finding it really hard not to catastrophize about all of the possible scenarios that could arise, and how horrible each might be.
I know that approach helps neither Sputnik nor me, but somehow that's just where my psyche tends to go. CatMan thinks it's my way of avoiding the emotions that I'm feeling right now... and I suppose he may be right. I think it also has to do with life altering events that came out of left field when I was a small child, and my subsequent determination never to be caught off guard again - a hopeless endeavor if ever there was one.
I also have to remind myself that it's OK for me to live, even though my cat may be dying. Somehow, this makes me feel terribly guilty. But not eating, sleeping, exercising or doing pretty much anything except worrying about my cat really isn't helping the situation.
I guess it's like the old quote:
Life's like a roller coaster. Sometimes you've just got to hang on and try not to puke!
So, how do you deal with the stress of uncertainty? Anybody have any suggestions for me on how to stay focused on the here and now?