Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Kitty Update and My Struggle to Focus on the Present

Well... I know you're all sitting there on pins and needles waiting to hear how Sputnik is doing.


So here's the deal, the lab report on the fine needle aspiration of his bladder tumor came back showing that it is likely (but not certainly) benign... more like a polyp than a tumor.

Soooo... hooray.... sorta, kinda, maybe.


I'll spare you all the gory details, but the long and the short of it is that surgery is not an option (at least not a good one) and there's really no way to tell how fast the thing is growing. This all means that he could be fine for a year or more, or I could be faced with having to make the decision to put him to sleep tomorrow - and there's just no way to know.


For the moment we've got him on several medications including Prednisone in an attempt to shrink or at least stabilize the size of it, and we've just got to wait and see. Thank God he likes pill pockets!


On the one hand, I am relieved and delighted that we're no longer in "no hope" territory, on the other hand, he's not out of the woods... not by a long shot.


So all of this leaves me struggling with my emotions. While I can talk a good game when it comes to being all Zen and living in the moment, the reality is that I'm swinging wildly between feeling like everything is OK, and fits of both panic and sadness.


I know that eventually I'm gonna lose him, and it's gonna be sooner rather than later. I mean, he is 15 after all...  And somehow that part I can deal with... that part is just sadness, loss and grief. Not that it will be easy, but I have some sense that I can handle that.


The part I'm having real trouble with is the awesome responsibility - I'm just so afraid that I'll make the "wrong" decision. I guess it also brings up all sorts of emotions about death and suffering in general. I'm finding it really hard not to catastrophize about all of the possible scenarios that could arise, and how horrible each might be.


I know that approach helps neither Sputnik nor me, but somehow that's just where my psyche tends to go. CatMan thinks it's my way of avoiding the emotions that I'm feeling right now... and I suppose he may be right. I think it also has to do with life altering events that came out of left field when I was a small child, and my subsequent determination never to be caught off guard again - a hopeless endeavor if ever there was one.


I also have to remind myself that it's OK for me to live, even though my cat may be dying. Somehow, this makes me feel terribly guilty. But not eating, sleeping, exercising  or doing pretty much anything except worrying about my cat really isn't helping the situation.


I guess it's like the old quote:

Life's like a roller coaster. Sometimes you've just got to hang on and try not to puke!

So, how do you deal with the stress of uncertainty? Anybody have any suggestions for me on how to stay focused on the here and now?




42 comments :

  1. Speaking from experience being and ICU pet nurse for a humane society, speciallzing in cats, I encourage you to please continue on with Sput. I have had *many* dying, ill, and very severely injured cats, and I continued on with them. With the vet's blessings as to how long, and with my judgement, I continued with them, and some lived way beyond the expected time given. It was a blessing and joy to help them, until the day came I had to let them go.
    I have no magic words to help you with the stress of it, but please find that our pets give us blessings every day, and I feel you need to give blessings back. I encourage you to continue, if the vet feels there is no pain or stress and enjoy every day with him. We all deal with uncertainty every single day, we have no idea what the day will bring, it is just life, and you have to get up in the morning and just "live".
    Hugs to you

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    1. Thanks so much for your support. I have no intention of putting him to sleep until it's really the only option left. I think if anything I'm afraid that I'll make him suffer because I'm not ready to let go yet. But at the moment he really seems fine... he just has to pee every 3-4 hours.

      One day at a time...

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    2. I think you'll know when the time is right by whether or not he is stilly enjoying his life, or if he is just miserable. If you have a good vet, they will let you know if they think he is suffering...so try not to worry about that too much and enjoy his company :)

      I don't think that I would find the uncertainty easy, either!

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    3. That's a good point, and he does seem to be still enjoying life. I think he'll let me know when it's time.

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    4. My boyfriend has to pee every 1-2 hours. He does not think it's a problem. He feels it's just because he drinks enough fluids. Admittedly, he does become an expert on the location of public restrooms, but it's a fairly minor disability. :-)

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    5. Ha! Well... in the mornings after I've had my big cup of green tea, I'm certainly beating a path to the potty! I really hope we can keep him stable because you're totally right, having to pee frequently is something we can all live with! :-)

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  2. Such hard questions and the uncertainty of it all makes it even more difficult. However,please try to take care of yourself with some regular eating and sleeping. Things may look a little better when you physically feel better.

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    1. Thanks so much... I think that taking better care of myself will help. I'm hoping to take an hour or two for a bike ride this afternoon since he seems to be stable and doing OK. Part of me feels horribly guilty about wanting to do that, but part of me knows I'll feel so much better if I can burn off some of the stress.

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  3. Having gone through the loss of so many cats & dogs over my many years, I wish I had some sage advice for you, some magic pill that would grant perfect wisdom, calm & inner peace. Sadly, I don't think that exists. However, the fact that you are doing what can be done for Sputty is more than most cats or dogs get. The fact that your emotions are in hyperdrive is evidence of how much Sputty,and all your critters, mean to you). Personally, I applaud that because I can't understand how many people cannot react emotionally to the impending loss of a loved one.

    We know when we bring cats and/or dogs into our lives that they have a limited "shelf life." For most of the time we have with them we don't think about that. What I've found through the losses is that every day, whether you know the end date or not, it's important to relish my time with each of them. To giggle when they do something funny, to not get ridiculously upset if they break something or spill something, to take each chance for an extra cuddle or rub and to tell them I love them. Just love 'em, it is the best thing we can do for them, and for us.

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    1. Thanks Connie, I knew you'd understand.

      I had a bit of a revelation last night after I wrote this... If I were having some life threatening medical condition, I would want the people around me to treat me normal - I mean to be there for me and enjoy time together, rather than to be absorbed in gnashing of teeth and hand wringing over my condition.

      Soooo... I'm endeavoring to just live him - at the moment he seems to be doing well - playing, purring, snuggling and eating like a horse. So I just have to enjoy him while he's here.

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    2. endeavoring to just LOVE him, I meant to say! Perhaps that was some sort of Freudian slip... wanting to make him live or something...

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    3. I just have to say that Connie's advice is spot-on, as you know, I'm sure. My husband and I have typically had 4 dogs (at a time)for most of our married life (21 years) and in a 14 month time period we lost 3 of them; unthinkably, 2 of them 2 weeks apart. Experience does not make this easier and even having been through it so many heartbreaking times, I can totally identify with your question but feel poorly equipped to answer it. The one lesson I have carried with me throughout so many losses of my beloved pets is exactly what Connie said - enjoy him while he's here (and I know that you know that). Live in THIS moment and show them love - with a sick or healthy pet - this is just stellar advice for life, period. With a chronic or terminal illness, it is so easy to get caught up in the final "when or how" scenario and miss the NOW. And NOW is really all that matters.

      In our current crew, my 14-17 yr old Border Collie has been diagnosed with heart & kidney disease, and my 16 year old kitty with advanced kidney disease. I am trying so very hard to "stay conscious" and calm and appreciate the now with them....and on that note, it's time for me to put the laptop away for the night and take my own advice ;-)

      Hugs to you and your kitties. I am so glad to hear Sputnik is playing, purring and feeling good. I smiled when I read that :)

      Misty

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    4. NOW, NOW, NOW! Well, right now, Sputty is sleeping comfortably in his favorite chair in the basement. He's had a great day and was doing so well that CatMan and I even took a few hours to go for a bike ride, which helped my stress levels incredibly.

      I'm shuddering to think how you managed losing so many in such a short period of time... it just breaks my heart. But you're totally right, focusing on the what if's is pointless. As I was riding home tonight I have to cross a very busy street. There's a light, but it's still a bit frightening. As the cars where whizzing past I thought to myself that it's always possible that I'll get hit by a truck and Sputty will outlive me! Or maybe the Mayan apocalypse crazies will turn out to be right and it will all be moot.

      Anyhow, hugs to you and your furry friends... I can't imagine nursing two at the same time.

      xoxoxo,
      Cat

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  4. I wish I had an answer for you. I had to deal with this at this same time last year. My beloved Sir Charles Manny Cat I has some unresponsive infection that was making him go downhill fast. I literally had to give him subcutaneous fluids nearly every day for 2 months. I struggled with trying to keep him alive and just putting him out of his misery. Our amazing vet kept telling me it wasn't time yet (I think she too was hoping for a miracle), but said that she would support whatever I decided. I finally decided it was time, and I still struggle with that decision. I know it was best for him, but there's this selfish part of me that thinks I could still have him. Death is never easy when the process to it is long and expected. For me, I just tried to enjoy what time I did have left. Ugh. No way to make this easy. I'm just sending you many hugs as you have to deal with this difficult time!

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    1. Thanks so much Megyn. I totally understand the struggle with feeling selfish. I think I'm afraid that I'll make him suffer because I REALLY don't want to let him go. But at the moment he seems just fine, so I'm just struggling to enjoy that, and not get too far ahead of myself. I think when the time comes, I'll know... just as you did. I just wish that time didn't have to ever come.

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  5. Cat, I second all these thought and words. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of Sputnik.

    In my experience, when life has changed so suddenly for me, I've gone through a period of emotional uncertainty, a real roller coaster. With time, I adjust to the new normal, and live with the new circumstances. I think you're probably still in that emotional uncertainty period. All the news is just too fresh right now to be otherwise.

    Try to take this one day/hour at a time, and try not to worry about future decisions. You're a sensitive woman and I think that you will "know" what to do and when. Just give that kitty lots of love and accept his love back.

    Virtual hugs!

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    1. Oh Lili, I think you nailed it. I just have to adjust to this new reality... it does seem to be getting a little bit easier each day, and slowly I'm able to see each new day as a gift rather than just feeling like it's not fair.

      Thanks so much for your support & virtual hugs... much needed!

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  6. My heart goes out to you. I currently having liver abnormalities according to her blood work. Now she is on pills but it is wait and see. She BTW hates pill pockets. I think having an ailing pet is really stressful but I love the advice that denimflyz left. I think that is a good approach.

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    1. I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your pet. And I'm also sorry she doesn't like pill pockets because the fact that giving meds is like a treat rather than torture is making this a LOT easier. Hang in there, and thanks for the support.

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  7. I am so sorry, that is more of a limbo than anything you are in right now with Sputnik. I have no magic words for you on how to deal with the stress but I think you hit on the key by your self when you realized how you would want to be treated if you were very ill. I like things sudden, no decision to make. We had a wonderful hamster with such a personality who lived way beyond his expected years. He was going bald and his fur had turned grey, but he was still as playful and social as ever, till one day he just didn't wake up. That is easier for me to deal with, I do well with the sudden emergency whether it's human or a pet and can break down after the emergency is over.

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    1. I think I'm with you on the sudden emergency stuff - less agony. There's a part of me that's sorta hoping he'll just die peacefully in his sleep when he's ready. Not holding out hope for that, but it would sure be nicer for both of us.

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  8. You aren't doing yourself or Sputnik any good by over-thinking and over-worrying the situation. I am sure he can sense your anxiety and tension, and, right now, he needs his life to be and stay as normal as possible. Sticking with your daily routine can be comforting to both you and him. Throw in some extra cuddle and play time - it will do you both a world of good.

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    1. Sage advice, and I'm struggling to follow it. He had another of his "episodes" this morning where something sets him off and he runs from litter box to litter box peeing blood. But this time I didn't panic, I just gave him the pain medication, and in about half an hour he settled down and fell asleep in my lap.

      Of course, we happened to be in the basement, which is REALLY cold, but I wasn't about to disturb him, so I sat there for 3 hours freezing my toes off until he was ready to get up. I've now set up a heater, some blankets, a jacket, a pair of slippers, an extra telephone and a book down there - so if he wants to sleep in my lap in the basement again, at least I'll be prepared!

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    2. You are a most excellent cat mom. It might be a hassle now, but you will be glad you made the extra effort to accommodate his needs. I slept on the floor for a week when my kitty was in his last days. That is where he wanted to be, so I slept on the floor to be near him in case he needed me (which is a half-truth, because I needed to be near him as much as I could be at the end). Hugs to you both.

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    3. You're making me feel like I'm not totally crazy... or at least I'm not the only one who's totally crazy! :-)

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  9. It's always hard to know when is the "right time." In the past we have often waited too long. In our last kitty, we were determined not to let it go so far that she suffered too much. It's very difficult to know when you should let them go, but it doesn't sound like you're anywhere near that point yet.

    Here's what I do know that may help you feel better. Prednisone will reduce inflammation and increase appetite. I'll bet that alone will make him feel much better.

    A little over a year ago the husband of my best friend had an episode where he suddenly didn't know where he was. He was hospitalized, and testing confirmed he had a brain tumor. It was treatable and a "good kind" to have.

    They gave him massive doses of Steroids like Prednisone and he responded favorably and got back to his old self. They didn't want to start any chemo or radiation at that point, for reasons we didn't understand at that time.

    The doctor followed his progress very closely and finally after several Mri's and ct scans, they couldn't find the tumor. They feel sure that eventually it will come back, but they think the steroids got rid of it.

    Moral of the story....there is hope for Sputnik. Just make sure he gets all his Pred and hopefully the vet has him on high doses.

    Good luck. Hang in there. I absolutely know how hard this is for you. All you can do right now is love him and spend as much time with him as you can. Hopefully he will respond like my friend did. Its been over a year and still no signs of the tumor.

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    1. Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I'm really hoping that the Prednisone will help. I think we're also gonna try some fish oil supplements as some studies have shown them to be useful in shrinking tumors.

      Ultimately, a "cure" really isn't necessary... I'm just hoping we can slow it down long enough for him to live out the rest of his life... which probably isn't that long anyhow.

      Fortunately his appetite is intact and other than the frequent peeing, he really seems fairly normal to me. Keeping my fingers crossed!

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  10. I can't imagine how awful it must be to not know whether you have a little time left with him or a lot. But I'm so proud of you that you know that not eating or not sleeping isn't going to make things better. Are you able to find some extra time outside of work and other responsibilities to spend with him?

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    1. I'm feeling really fortunate that my life is set up to be infinitely flexible. What work I do happens from home, and I pretty much have the choice to work or not, so he's getting as much of me as he can stand! :-)

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  11. I am sad to read that you are in limbo... it is so painful to look down at the little face you love, knowing that you may not have much time left together... worried you will miss the signs when it is time to let him go. It sounds like Sputnik is still enjoying life; hopefully that will continue. But if you start to have doubts about his quality of life, you might find this article helpful:

    http://www.wayofcats.com/blog/how-to-know-when-its-time/3710

    It was a huge comfort for me when I had to make The Decision for a beloved cat recently. Best of luck to you!


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    1. Thanks so much for the link and for your words of support. I'm so sorry you lost a cat recently. It's never easy, is it?

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    2. No it isn't! Thanks for your condolences.

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  12. I have been wondering about Sputnik, and while the news is certainly better than they could have been, of course it will be incredibly difficult just now.
    I can very much relate to the feelings of indecision and wondering what the right thing is to do.
    I have always lived for animals in general, and mine in particular. Up until August this year I had one cat and one dog, and then they both passed within a couple of weeks of each other. I was absolutely devastated, and still am to a large extent. My cat was 18, so even though it was something I knew would not be too far off, it was still the most awful thing ever when it happened. She was like a part of me, and I miss her all the time. My dog died a few weeks later, and he was only 9. I had no real warning signs, but he had been "off" for a while before it happened. I blamed it on the summer heat which he was unaccustomed to. The thing is that with him it was so much harder at the vets. So much agonising. I knew my cat was dying when I brought her in, I almost asked the vet to hurry it along. She definitely had said her goodbyes to us, and I wanted it over with. There was only grief. With my dog it was different. He seemed so young and healthy, and when we were told that he most likely had organ failure and that nothing could be done, we agonized over the decision. After a few hours we decided to let him go, but it was so hard. There was doubt, and guilt. Tons and tons of guilt. With the cat it was a matter of missing her, with the dog it was the question if we did the right thing.
    The thing is, I think as a family member to an animal, you WILL know when it's time, and in hindsight I feel we absolutely did the right thing. You will know what to do, even if the emotions are so mixed.
    I believe that you will know what to do with Sputnik. You will be strong enough to make the right decision, regardless of what it is, and you will be strong enough to live with whatever doubt may present itself. It's the hard, horrible side to loving an animal, where their lives are ultimately in our hands. Regardless of what you do, I wish you all the best of luck, and I hope things turn out the way they should, and that the right path will be clear to you.

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    1. Thanks so much for your support. I can't imagine losing two pets withing weeks of each other, that must have been so very difficult. You have me deepest condolences.

      I sincerely hope that Sputnik will let me know when it's time. Until then, I intend to do anything and everything I can for him.

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  13. I am finally catching up with your blog and am so so sad that you are going through this. I think there's almost nothing worse than outliving someone you love, and that's pretty much inevitable with pets. Big hugs and virtual warm fuzzies to both of you.

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    1. Thanks so much Jennifer. Someday I'm gonna find the cat who will live forever! :-)

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  14. I can't add much to what your other (awesome) readers have said: you, of all people, will know when it's time.
    A couple years ago, my dog was also diagnosed with a kidney tumor (but his was actually cancer and, according to the vet, most likely inoperable). He lived normally for almost a year under medication, apart from the occasional blood on his urine.
    Then all of a sudden he got really, really bad. On the course of one week, he stopped eating, more blood appeared in his urine, and he seemed to be in a lot of pain. For two weeks after that we kept him on pain and kidney shots, I spent hours every day feeding little bits of wet dog food and bread dipped in milk and, to my horror, his tumor grew so big I could actually see the lump.
    He was so miserable that the vet decided to try and operate him. His chances were low, but we had to risk it. When I left my baby with the vet, he said that if the situation was really as bad as it seemed, he would put the dog to sleep. At that point I still had some hope, but said my goodbyes anyway.
    I kissed him in the nose. He hated that, whenever I did that he would bark like crazy and try to bite my own nose. That day, he just looked at me with sad, loving eyes. That moment I knew I wouldn't see my baby again.
    I guess there is always some guilt when you make a decision about a creature's life. I just wish all pets would go as peacefully as my mouse. He never got sick once in his life, and one day I got home to find him lying peacefully in his cage, after a sudden heart attack. I still cried my eyes out for him (still do, for all my pets), but knowing he didn't suffer is a great, great comfort.
    Eek, sorry for writing a book in your comments! I just love everyone who loves animals, and relate so much to what you write... that I wanted to share my story, and hopefully make you feel a little bit better.
    My best wishes to Sputnik and yourself (both very special Cats :)

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    1. Thanks so much for sharing your story. In a funny way it actually made me feel better - I guess because it did get to the point where the choices narrowed and the decisions were inevitable. I think my worst fear is that I'll somehow be forced to put him to sleep before it's really time - before he's ready.

      I guess I just have to take it one day at a time, and today was a good day - so I'm thankful for that.

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  15. Egads, darling! I am off the blogging world for a bit and come back to this heartache. I'm so sorry. :( I wish I had some magic words. I am going to be an absolute mess when my babies go. Sigh.

    I am in the process of learning better coping mechanisms. For years it was just eat, drink or smoke a joint. Sometimes those things work, but too often it's unhealthy. Breathing exercises, meditations, getting outside, writing love letters to strangers--these are some new tools I have found. But in the end, sometimes you just have to ache and worry and trudge the fuck through the day. Ug. So sorry. :(

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    1. Oy... I could use some better coping skills right about now. At the moment I've just got panic in the pit of my stomach that doesn't want to go away. I'm sort of wishing that I was one of those people who eat when under stress, because I'm having trouble choking anything down at the moment - I suppose this is one way to lose weight (I'm down 5 pounds and one pant size since this all started) but I wouldn't recommend it!

      I must resolve to take better care of myself - must get back to doing yoga and sleeping and eating.

      I am really in awe of anyone who works or has worked in the medical profession - veterinary or human. I really don't know how you did it. I just don't have the emotional fortitude, I can't imagine facing life and death situations on a daily basis. I guess you just "ache and worry and trudge the fuck through the day."

      Sigh.

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    2. I did it for 3 years and gained 100lbs. So, yeah. Clearly I couldn't handle it. I am in awe of those women and men who can.

      I'm so sorry, sugar. I wish I had some way to heal your hurting heart. I just have prayers and cyber hugs. :(

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    3. Well actually... I've set up little "stations" at various places around the house so in case he wants to sit in my lap, I'll have something to do to keep myself occupied and won't have to get up and disturb him. Lap time with Sputnik is precious right now, and I don't want to miss a second.

      So at one of my little stations I put "Married to Bhutan," and have made it about half way through the book - and it's WONDERFUL! It's also helping me to re-connect with my Buddhist-ish beliefs, which is a great source of solace right now.

      So thanks, you actually have helped more than you know. Guess I was just saving the book for a time when I really needed it.

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Thanks, and have a fabulous day!