And you know what, my attitude about it all is shifting. All along I've been trying to see this as an opportunity, but still, I have to admit that I was feeling a bit put upon by the entire process.
The initial thing I purged was the old recliner, and honestly it pained me a bit to do it. Somehow I just kept seeing kitties of old lounging in, on, under and around it, and letting go gave me a serious pang.
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| Sputnik posing on the back of the old recliner- Still one of my favorite photos of him. |
My latest purge was the fabric and the half-finished projects that went along with it. There were half finished rag rugs, half finished quilts, and numerous other projects languishing in the land of good intentions. And the thing I've come to realize is, they weren't just taking up physical space, they were also occupying a significant amount of emotional space.
I mean, I had it all neatly packed away in the basement, but still, every time I'd go down there I'd get a little pang of "you're not good enough."
On some level I know it's really stupid to let something like that make you feel inadequate, but there was just always this little nagging voice telling me "If you were any good, you'd have finished that project by now."
So I was in the basement surrounded by piles and piles of fabric and unfinished projects, when I looked over and caught a glimpse of my sewing machine. Suddenly, an involuntary utterance escaped my lips, "I hate that thing!"
Honestly, sewing and I have just never really gotten along. I can still remember Mrs. Atkinson, my jr. high school home economics teacher, hovering over me like some sort of vulture, telling me all the ways I was doing it wrong. And try as I might, I've never been able to craft a relationship with any sewing machine that was not combative. I love the IDEA of sewing and craft projects, and I love being able to create something from nothing, but the actual doing of it I find to be tedious, frustrating and decidedly NOT enjoyable.
So why continue to torture myself? I mean, it's not like we live in a world where it's difficult to acquire textile goods. And there are plenty of activities that I do enjoy, and never feel like I have time or space for.
Anyhow, after all of that raced through my head in about 2 seconds, another involuntary utterance appeared, "Free yourself!"
There is nothing mandatory about craft projects. I don't need to continue to put myself through this. I can just let it all go and make room for the things I actually do enjoy.
What a revelation!
So I washed and sanitized all the fabric (at least the stuff that was washable - tiny cut up quilt pieces don't fare well in the wash I fear.) And I found someone on Freecycle who is delighted to have it all. And I get to have another chunk of my life back!
Next up: all of those books that I "should" read one of these days. As noble of a pursuit as I think reading is, I really just hate it. And if I ever decide that I do want to read a particular thing, I don't think I'll have any trouble getting my hands on a copy. I can't wait to make them all go away!!
I think the big lesson for me here is that I just need to stop trying so hard. I'm fine just the way I am, and there's just no reason to keep pushing myself to be someone better. What a wonderful revelation to have on Independence Day! Thank you, carpet beetles! I am eternally grateful.
Here's wishing everyone a very happy 4th of July!
I'm sorry that you are having your beetle battle, but the blogging that you are doing about it is helping a lot of people, I bet. As you figure out things for yourself, you share them in a very clear way so others can understand and relate to your experiences. You are as good as any self help book out there because you are sharing this as you are living it.
ReplyDeleteI have already had several of these "ah ha!" moments that you've had recently, but still find it helpful to read about them. In fact, I've asked my husband to read some of your posts with me so we can talk about releasing things. While it is hard for both of us, it is harder for him.
And as for unfinished quilts, well, lets just say, I'm not ready to get rid of the one I have yet because it is made from squares of different jeans my sisters and I had growing up. However, it's not shouting negative things to me as loudly as yours was.
Keep up the good work. You're doing great in more ways than one.
Awwww... what a sweet comment! I'm sort of laughing at the idea that a total slob like me might actually have anything helpful to say on the topic of clutter. But now that you mention it - perhaps there's something to be said for decluttering thoughts coming from a person to whom this stuff is not natural. I do tire of reading advice from neat freaks who simply do not seem to get it.
DeleteI'm honored that you'd ask Ward to read my posts with you. I wish you both the best of luck in letting go of stuff. I did the books today and I've gotta say it feels AMAZING! I kept a few that I use regularly (mostly cookbooks) and some that were sentimental (mostly gifts from CatMan) but the rest are gone. I even got rid of the bookshelf and replaced it with a little desk which belonged to my grandmother. It's been languishing in the basement for eons, but it looks much better in that spot than the bookshelf did. Plus, it has the distinct advantage that it's not constantly nagging at me and telling me how lazy I am!
And I don't think you should push yourself to get rid of your quilt just because you haven't finished it. Obviously it has much more sentimental value than my projects did!
We have a lot of books here and but many fewer than before. We go through them every year or two. Here's how I handle that. I tell each person to look at a certain bookcase and take anything off that they simply can't live without. Phrasing it that way instead of saying what do you want to get rid of seems to sit much better with everyone emotionally and we get ride of more books.
DeleteOh yes, deciding what to keep rather than what to toss is definitely the way to go!
DeleteI got rid of over 300 books this year thank you. I used to have a childcare and I had such a hard time letting go of the children's books because so many memories were attached. However I live in a condo with no basement and no garage not a 4 bedroom house with living room and a family room (like I used to) One of my neighbors is a social worker and she took the books to give to children that did not have books. I kept about 10 in case a little one comes by. It feels nice to let go. Step by step, little
Deleteby little.
Patti
Yay for giving the books to someone who will use them! It is really hard to let go of things like that though - sort of like letting go of a part of your life. But you know what they say, you have to let go of old things to make room for new.
DeleteI was just playing with the cats in the living room - which has sooo much more space in it now that the recliner and lots of other things are gone. The cats were having a ball running and jumping in all of the free space. Made me feel really happy about creating space for them.
Happy Fourth to you, too! I find it funny that you are eliminating fabric projects, since I just inherited my mom's sewing machine--I didn't like sewing as a kid, but I'm kind of excited about getting it at this stage of my life. I do NOT plan on doing major projects, but there have been many times when the ability to use a sewing machine for mending or simple projects would have been helpful.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it funny the things we feel we "should" do? An old friend's advice to me many years ago was "don't 'should' on yourself". ;)
"Don't 'should' on yourself" - I love it! I think for me, I associate sewing projects with thriftiness and environmentalism - not being wasteful and all that. So my "shoulds" in this area come from that perspective, rather than the idea that I ought to be a good homemaker.
DeleteI still haven't decided what to do about the sewing machine itself. I'll probably keep it since as you say, it is nice to be able to fix things on occasion. But I'm definitely gonna try to keep my projects to a more reasonable level from now on!
My sewing machine is very hard to get to, so I've been doing all my sewing and mending by hand. I do this at "craft night" with friends and in front of the TV watching movies, so the fact that it's a bit time-consuming is no big deal.
DeleteI just mention this because it sounds like it might be a good idea for you to get rid of the sewing machine, too. (Ah, I see later related comments. It's much easier to set up a needle and thread than a sewing machine. Though if you're actually sewing a thing from scratch with all the same thread, then it's worth it.)
And/or you may know someone with a sewing machine who will let you come over and use it occasionally.
I like how you're figuring which great ideas are not great ideas for you. These are really hard to let go of. It's not like you never do any projects! You do plenty of things that other people hate doing; it's okay to not do things that other people love doing. It's not pioneer days--we don't have to do everything ourselves!
And there are so many activities available to us we couldn't do them all if we wanted to. We may as well focus on the best combination of most useful and most fun.
I'm still on the fence about the sewing machine itself. I'll probably keep it for the moment, but we'll see. And you're totally right - it's not pioneer days anymore and the truth is, unless you need something really specialized, it's generally cheaper to buy it used at a thrift store than it is to try to make it. I just need to get over my Laura Ingalls Wilder complex! :-)
DeleteI realised fairly recently that althoughI love knitting, I HATE sewing. I'd acquired a small stash of fabric with the idea of learning to make my own clothes. It was such a relief to get rid of it all! I gave all the fabric to mum, who will actually make things from it.
ReplyDeleteI still have the mini sewing machine though- I'll probably keep it for little projects and repairs.
I also donated knitting yarn to charity- stuff that I didn't like enough anymore to actually use. (I'd bought things when I started knitting and my taste changed).
Anyway, YAY for freedom for guilt-induced projects!
When it comes to books, I've got rid of loads too. I decided to try and read the ones I had never read or was not sure about getting rid of- but, if I was finding them dull, I didn't have to finish them. Not finishing a book was some sort of sacrilege, but life is too short to spend time doing leisure activities that feel like chores- we have enough real chores for that!
"...life is too short to spend time doing leisure activities that feel like chores..." YES!!! I think perhaps I should have that tattooed on my forehead.
DeleteBefore I was actually able to let go of the rag rug, I had to go through the "well maybe I could just make it big enough to be usable as a small throw rug..." thing. Sorta like you trying to read up all of the books. I worked on it for an hour and succeeded in making it all of about 2 inches bigger, at which point I was crabby, tired, frustrated & really, REALLY didn't want to do it anymore. At that point the utter stupidity of hanging onto it became quite clear.
Anyhow, hooray for not making yourself slog through books that you're not enjoying. And hooray for giving all that fabric to your mom. From now on, fun things shall be actually fun!!
Letting go of what you don't like to allow room for more of what you do like sounds like a wise choice to me. Hmmm, less stuff equals more room for good experiences.
ReplyDelete"...less stuff equals more room for good experiences." Very well said.
DeleteCatMan is always telling me that you have to create emptiness in your life before any meaningful change can occur. He's mostly coming at it from a psychotherapy point of view - he was a therapist for years. The point being that if you keep yourself running in circles and fill up all of your time and mental space with busyness, there's no room for any of your true feelings to bubble to the top. I'm starting to think that the same thing applies to physical stuff.
I think you are right- worrying about the stuff you own/feeling guilty about it/moving it about/cleaning it/feeling guilty about not cleaning the stuff/ is a good way to keep busy and avoid all of the feelings!
DeleteI think our society has perfected the art of emotional escapism. At least that's heretofore been my excuse for not decluttering sooner! :-)
DeleteHa - I'm just reading back on the previous posts and I love that phrase, "The Life-Changing Magic of Carpet Beetles!" I also realised at some point that while I feel I 'should' like craft projects and sewing, I just didn't enjoy it. I find it hard work, tedious and not especially rewarding. I felt inadequate too for not finishing things and decided in the end that I didn't want my stuff to 'own' me every time I looked at it and felt bad. I'm sure the Freecycle crafter was thrilled to receive it. Happy Fourth!
ReplyDeleteIt's heartening to know that I'm not the only person who finds this sort of thing tedious. Some people say they find it relaxing and meditative, but apparently I'm a bit to "goal oriented" to get that sort of enjoyment out of it.
DeleteAnd I hope the girl I'm giving it to will enjoy it. Honestly I feel a tad bit guilty, like I'm giving her free drugs or something! But I suppose we all must go through our crafting insanity phase... :-)
Cat lady,
ReplyDeleteI rarely comment on any blogs even though I love reading them, including yours. I've empathized with your distress at the process of getting rid of your carpet beetles. I feel compelled to cheer you on in fully embracing the lightening of your load. Releasing items obviously creates physical space but it is the space in your soul that opens up that is the most meaningful. The best thing I've done for myself is to be honest about what I want and need around me (not much) and to send the excess back out to find new homes.
There is such freedom in owning fewer things. I had dinner with a friend on Sunday who lives in a too-large house with too much stuff and she lamented that she "can't" move because of her family heirlooms collected by HER parents (she is in her 60s) and is thus stuck. I pointed out to her that her heirlooms actually owned her instead of the other way around since she can't get rid of them. That shocked her and she acknowledged that her two sons don't want them and will quickly sell them when she dies. Maybe our conversation will help her to let go. Anyway, I am cheering you on and wish much lightness and space in your journey!
Awww, thanks so much for de-lurking! I really appreciate the cheering - I'll take as much as I can get! Why is it so hard for us to admit that we don't like or want certain things? I guess we have to let go of the pictures of who we are (or want to be) before we can fully embrace our true selves.
DeleteAnd I'm feeling so bad for that friend of yours, but I do understand her struggle. Hopefully your observations will be helpful to her.
Thanks again for commenting - I love to hear everyone's take on things!
The sentimental items, half-done projects and broken things I want to fix are my main problem. A huge load of "cardboard boxes I might need" went to the recycle bin. And too the "stuff my mother left behind but insists she wants" is also a problem because she is ill and I feel bad. I'm thinking if I start sneaking things out she won't notice. Then there are the "things I might make money if I put them on ebay" even though I don't have time, and the extra pet stuff in case I start fostering again. It helps to read about you working through the same types of issues.
ReplyDeleteOh man, the stuff I might want to sell category is a hard one. I used to have a little used book selling business (hilarious for a person who hates reading, but what can I say, I was really trying hard.) Part of me was tempted to list the books for sale (the ones that I purged yesterday), but honestly I just didn't want to take the chance of infesting anyone else. I do admit that I did list one (worth $80) on Amazon - and I'm freezing it just to be sure I don't transfer my beetle problem. But I have to keep reminding myself that even when I worked really hard at selling books, I never made more than a few thousand dollars per year. Totally NOT worth the time, effort and space.
DeleteThe next area I have to tackle is the dreaded closet under the stairs. I know there's larvae under there, but I also know that there's a box with a kitty bed that belonged to Mow, the first kitty of my adult life. I was totally heartbroken when she died 12 years ago, and I couldn't bear to either get rid of her bed or let another cat use it. But... it's lined with carded wool, so I'm sure it's fully infested. I think I might just toss the box without even opening it - makes me tear up just thinking about it. Sigh.
We just loaded seven boxes of books into the car and will be schlepping them over to the Goodwill later today. It's hard getting rid of books, at least for us. We really wanted to read some but figured, after a decade on the shelf, that just ain't happening.
ReplyDeleteSorry that the bug battle continues (StarshipTroopers?) but the silver lining is that it sparked the purge. Onward and upward!
It's a huge silver lining, and I'm starting to see it that way more and more.
DeleteCongratulations on letting go of so many books. And you know, if you ever decide that you do want to read something you've already purged, there's always Kindle or the library!
I love your positive attitude. I am thinking maybe I would be feeling put upon if I were in your situation. Good for you to be so rational and realize the things that aren't bringing joy to your life. I am sure you are correct in the fact that there will be some positive aspects of this purge.
ReplyDeleteI am still feeling very bad for you to have to be working so hard to get rid of the bug problem.
Awww, you're so sweet to feel sorry for me. I am pretty darned tired, that's for sure - but I really am enjoying the new possibilities. In a funny way it's giving me permission to let go of some things that I wanted to move on from anyway.
DeleteReading your post, I see a place I think I need to be in. How I get from here to there, I'm not sure. I hope it doesn't need carpet beetles!
ReplyDeleteYou may have come across the ideas of 'ideal self' and 'ought self' - I think some therapists use them. I don't know much about it, but the basic idea is to distinguish the person we feel we ought to be from the person we'd really like to be. I've been trying to picture my ideal self (I really don't know!) but maybe I should pay more attention to my 'ought self' as I think she's hanging around in the shadows confusing things. She definitely does a lot more sewing than I do.
Most of our 'ought to' selves seem to be really into sewing...
DeleteRachel - I really hope you don't need a beetle infestation to get into the decluttering space. It's funny though - when I started out I felt like the beetles were "making" me get rid of stuff, and now somehow I feel like what they've done is give me permission to let go. Very interesting...
DeleteAnd Nicola's right - why do we all feel so much pressure to like sewing? How bizarre is that?
Is sewing some sort of ultimate thrify, useful activity that is good for the budget/environment etc etc?! (Or at least, is that how we all see it?!)
DeleteI have learnt to spin fleece into yarn recently and will spend hours knitting, but sewing 'takes too long'- I think it is the faff of setting up the machine. Also I am good at knitting, I find seeing too hard to enjoy it!
I think you've nailed it - sewing is the quintessential "eco" activity - in both meanings of the prefix (environmental and economy.)
DeleteBut I share your feelings about the machine - it's just such a fuss to deal with, and the experience of sitting at a table actively working on something is quite different from sitting in an easy chair relaxing whilst knitting or something like that.
Yes! The machine makes it too much like work.
DeleteAlthough hand sewing does take ages, so I'm not sure that's the solution either ;)
You're right, hand sewing takes forever. But I vastly prefer it over the machine when I have to mend something!
DeleteI love the feeling I get after getting rid of stuff and your posts are putting me in the mood for a purge! :D And I am so happy you got rid of those half-finished projects that were zapping your energy and making you feel bad. You're better off without them.
ReplyDeleteI have to say it feels great to stop being ruled by decisions and projects that I took on decades ago. Let the future begin!!
DeleteI too learned to hate sewing thanks to home ec class. I'm all for losing the crap that makes you feel bad. Keep up the good work!!
ReplyDeleteOh, the mixed blessing of home ec class. I'm grateful to have learned some of those basic skills, but honestly I don't understand the domestic goddess head trip that had to accompany the whole thing!
DeleteSame here on books. I love cozy mysteries but my asperational reading is really getting out of hand. I finally realized there were series I just wasn't going to read. My bookshelves are about to get lighter by half, and I am thrilled.
ReplyDeleteI got rid of almost all of them, and it feels GREAT! I even got rid of a pile of the cookbooks because honestly, I really only use 3 of them - the rest just languish. And truth be told, there aren't many recipes one can't find on the web these days!
DeleteGood luck with your book purge!
You have inspired me today too. Last year I decided one of the things I was going to master was knitting. I love the different looks knitting produces over crocheting. I was so determined to master knitting I bought an entire set of needles. I just can't do it and get frustrated after only a short time. I began reorganizing my room, where I keep most of my storage and there sat those needles. I put them on the craft shelf in the closet but after reading this I'm going to pass them on. If I hate it so much why am I being so mean to force myself to master an activity I am not enjoying at all. They are now in the box of items to donate.
ReplyDeleteYay!! Congratulations on letting yourself not enjoy knitting! When I lived in Norway ALL of the girls were into knitting. Seriously, if there was a 5 minute break, everyone would reach into their bag and soon they'd be happily clicking away. I tried... oh, how I tried, but honestly, it just made me crazy. I got half way through a scarf (or maybe it was a sweater) anyhow, I gave up in frustration. I did, of course, have to lug the half finished thing across the planet with me several times before I could let it go, but I did finally give it away several purges ago.
DeleteIt's so funny the things we hang onto, isn't it? Sometimes I think we're holding onto a picture of ourselves more than anything else. But, as I have found in so many aspects of my life, the only way to expose the reality of something is to throw the pretty pictures in the garbage. In the end, I want an actual happy life, not a picture of a happy life.
Funny you should say "I want an actual happy life, not a picture of a happy life." Pictures are another thing we hoard and I'm just as guilty. Instead of having photo albums or stacks of photos waiting to go into them I have them on the computer and seriously need to address those next.
DeleteThanks for admitting you hated knitting too. Everyone who knits talks about how much they love it but no one seems to want to admit they hate it. I think I may have taken this "I can do anything" mentality a bit far when I tried to force knitting on myself. I also admitted I don't like quilting and other than supplies for basic (ie, easy) quilt I've passed on all my patterns this week to a quilt group. I'm much better with diy than crafts.
I think maybe I'm just too goal oriented to enjoy crafts. People who really like knitting seem to find the process relaxing and meditative - it just gave me a headache! Perhaps having bad eyes is a contributing factor, I dunno. Whatever the case, I think I'll stick to things that actually do relax me!
DeletePictures... oy! I inherited all of my grandmother's old photos, and I've scanned some, but not nearly all. And there are apparently several boxes from my mother's estate coming my way one of these days. I'm hopeful that I can make some progress on them, but honestly, I need a better system for storing the digital images because I have literally THOUSANDS of them!
Maybe that's why I can't enjoy knitting. When I crochet I can do it by feel and can watch a movie or game while working but knitting I couldn't get it and I had to watch what I was doing. Not relaxing at all.
DeleteWhen you find a good solution to storing photos let me know
Honestly, I think a good first step with the photos would be to delete all of the out of focus and otherwise worthless ones!
DeletePurging is so liberating and freeing and really you are doing a great service to those that might have to go through your things when you pass. Believe you me, after clearing up over 30,000 pounds of stuff (I kid you not) after hubby's parents died, I "swore" I would never do that to my children. I have really nothing, hubby still is holding on to a lot of stuff but getting better in releasing it so to speak.
ReplyDeleteI had to laugh about your sewing machine and realizing you hated it. I felt that way about baking. My sister and mom were great bakers and would bake this and that at holiday times. I felt I had to duplicate that to make it feel like the holidays. My first holiday as a married woman I was getting everything ready to bake the breads and cookies my mom/sister would and I thought "I really don't want to do this." And didn't. Haven't since that day and that was over 35 years ago. It is freeing to just be us and not feel like we have to do something. Hats off to you for the purging you are doing!
(I didn't have your email address, but I did want to say your comment on my recent blog post did not offend me. In fact it enlightened me. Made me think about how people might feel when confronted by someone who is trying to share a belief the person has no interesting in hearing about. I personally detest those religions that do door to door evangelizing like that. I'm not sure how effective it is other than to cause strife where there should be peace. So I'm glad you were willing to write the comment you did and to share your side of your feelings.)
betty
Awww, thanks so much for taking the time to visit and write. I really wasn't trying to stand up for the fellow because he was obviously being a total jerk - but I do understand the frustration of being a religious minority. It sometimes feels like people are speaking in code, or that everyone has a rule book that I wasn't given - and I'm often fearful that people will hate me once they find out I'm not a Christian. Obviously not all Christians are Bible thumpers, but it's sometimes hard for people like me to figure out who's who.
DeleteAnyhow, I'm really impressed that you were able to let go of the need to "keep up baking appearances" first time out of the shoot! I think life would be so much easier if we all just decided to be OK with who we really are.