I'm not sure if this has come through in my blog posts recently, but I've been feeling a bit whiny & overwhelmed lately.
It all sorta came to a head last night when I was trying to go to bed, but everywhere I turned there were half-finished piles of whatever (dishes, laundry, winter bedding, ancient cans of half-eaten cat food in the fridge, tools from various plumbing disasters, notes from some work I'm trying to get done, bathroom stuff bought on sale but never put away, and God-knows-what other stuff that just got dumped into boxes so I could clear the table to serve dinner.)
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!
I have a pretty high tolerance for clutter and disorder, but I sorta reached my breaking point last night and found myself throwing things into closets & cupboards shouting to myself "Please, just make it all go AWAY!"
I even resorted to using the drier because I was so behind on laundry that I didn't have any clean bike clothes and I knew CatMan would want to ride today... of course, when I opened the drier I discovered another load of stuff that had been sitting in there for who knows how long (dry, thankfully.)
OK... deep breath.
I'm not quite sure why everything feels so crazy lately... I guess it's just a bunch of little things piling up on me. The crazy weather & trying to get the "hail house" built, the plumbing disasters, trying to ramp up some actual "work" on my websites (gasp), my parents eyes (between my dad & stepmom they've had about 5 eye surgeries in the past few months... thankfully all is well and we went out to dinner yesterday to celebrate). Then there's all the extra bike maintenance caused by all the wet weather, and, of course Princess being sick.
I think Princess is at the heart of the issue. She's doing great, but she requires a LOT of care. She needs medication 3 times a day... twice on an empty stomach and once on a full one - plus she still gets fluids twice a week. She's fussy and won't eat more than about an ounce of food at a time, so she needs to eat 6 small meals a day (making it difficult to time the medication that needs to be given on an empty stomach.) Plus, you can't just put food down for her, you have to hold the bowl about 4 inches off the ground (and no, putting it up on a book or something doesn't work, she needs coaxing). I often have to offer several different foods to get her to eat and/or put various enticing treats on top - so I have to be sure to have a huge variety of food on hand, and her "favorites" change rapidly and without warning. Did I mention she is the most appropriately named creature EVER!
But the hardest part is that she wakes me up 2-3 times every night crying because she's hungry. I'm still getting about 8 hours of sleep each night, but it's all broken into small chunks and it takes a good 10-11 hours of time between retiring and rising to eek out that much sleep. Net result is that I. AM. JUST. SO. TIRED. ALL. OF. THE. TIME! Whine, whine, whine, whine...
Anyhow, when I finally got enough sleep last night to have a complete REM cycle, I had the most interesting dream.
I dreamt that I was speeding down a big highway when all of a sudden I got caught in a horrific traffic jam. Everybody got out of their cars and then we heard machine guns. One woman said "Oh good, the Marines are coming" but I was pretty sure it was terrorists coming to get us. So I went and hid in the cabinet under the bathroom sink (because, you know, all highways come equipped with bathroom sinks, don't they?) Then when it all was over I came out from under the sink and discovered that only me and a few other people had survived.
At this point we were on a big boat of some sort (it made sense in the dream.) Then out of nowhere a Navy Seal commando appeared and said he was there to rescue us.
...but first I had to change socks, because the pair I was wearing had my ID printed on the bottom (like so many socks do, don't you know) and we couldn't have anything that would identify us. Anyhow, this all made complete sense at the time, so I changed socks and then he looked at me with a stern face and said that I couldn't whine about anything, and that I had to disavow all knowledge of my previous life. Then we started to chimney up a big shaft to make our escape through the ventilation system. At that point I woke up.
Holy Moly!
I don't know if any of you are familiar with Gestalt dream analysis, but the idea is that everything in your dream is actually you. The parts that don't seem to be you are just aspects of your personality that you aren't comfortable enough with to fully own. (Which sorta begs the question - what do people who are at one with themselves dream about? Are they just alone in an open space or something? But I digress...)
Anyhow, it occurred to me that if I had a Navy Seal commando rescuing me in my dream, then that commando must be inside me somewhere, or he couldn't have appeared in my dream. (Or course, there are also machine gun toting terrorists in there somewhere, but I'll leave that for another day.)
And the part about banishing one's identity is also very interesting. Don't know if any of you are familiar with Carlos Castaneda and the Teachings of Don Juan, but in that book there's a reference to erasing one's personal history. There are different interpretations of this idea, but I sort of take it to mean letting go of one's personal baggage so one can fully experience the moment.
So today I decided that what I needed to do was to let go of my personal history of whininess and overwhelmedness and to get in touch with my Inner Commando!
And CatMan provided me with the perfect opportunity to test this strategy out by deciding he wanted to ride on my least favorite bike trip... the one that's about 50 miles round trip, with absolutely NO shade, along a major highway, that goes uphill for about an 8 mile stretch with virtually no place to slow down enough to catch your breath. Generally, this route leads to a great deal of whimpering on my part, but today I decided that since I knew I was perfectly capable of handling it, I was gonna use my Inner Commando and NO WHINING would be allowed!!!!
The results were rather amazing actually. I kept up with CatMan much better than I usually do, and somehow, the fact that I didn't let myself descend into "poor pitiful me land" meant that I was free to enjoy the experience much more than a generally would have.
I'm not entirely sure how to apply this principle to the rest of my life, but I think it has something to do with focusing on actually solving problems rather than avoiding or complaining about them. It's not like holding your breath and powering through things to avoid your feelings (which is one of my usual approaches) it's more like taking responsibility for the fact that I am capable and can choose a path that will make life easier rather than harder.
On that note, I'm going to go give Princess her final medication of the day, pump as much cat food into her as she will eat, and then I'm going to bed! I figure if I at least start with an earlier bedtime, there's a better chance of getting a meaningful amount of sleep!
So tell me what you think of all this. Am I just kidding myself here, or do you think I'm on to something? Do you have an Inner Commando?
No whining any time :) I will remember that as I whine a lot..and get burned out easily! Good message.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if whining and burnout are connected... I wouldn't be surprised since I too suffer from both syndromes!
DeleteThere is definitely something to that. Attitude makes all of the difference and it is a choice. The hard part is quieting all of the negative self talk that most of us do so much that we don't even notice it. Both of those, attitude and positive self talk, are things that I work on all of the time. And after years of trying, I am making progress.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you would be able to do this because I don't know if I could, but could you shut Princess up a couple of nights a week in a comfortable place with plenty of food, litter box etc. so she couldn't wake you. You'd at least have a chance of getting a whole sleep cycle in. It's the old put the oxygen mask on yourself first idea. However with that dream, we at least know you are getting some REM sleep. :)
The Princess thing is a challenge. I've tried locking her out of the bedroom, and while it does let me get a bit more sleep I usually pay for it the next day because if she doesn't eat frequently enough, she starts vomiting and then goes totally anorexic - so it sorta negates the benefit! Plus, I find that I wake up worried about her through the night anyhow. Oh, the things we do for kitty love!
DeleteExciting dream!
ReplyDeleteI haven't read much about dream analysis--what I've read doesn't make much sense to me. But generally I can recognize some elements in my dreams--like those dark army green buildings that were going up so quickly in one dream were the exact same color as the mildew I had been scraping up off the shower floor at summer camp.
However, since this new attitude is helping you be happier, then I am ALL FOR IT.
I'm not sure if I have an inner commando, but I do have an inner grown-up (when I'm in charge of kids--don't worry, these spiders aren't scary, so I can just sweep them out of your tent; why yes, I can demonstrate how to eat these yucky vegetables and live). And I do have an inner leader--usually other people want to take charge and I am happy to let them, but when they don't want to or they are even worse at it than I would be, I take over.
the Inner grown-up... I love it! I think you're onto something with that!
DeleteThat dream theory is fascinating. I've always been interested in dream analysis, but never really looked into theories about it, just tried to figure them out for myself. I was slightly skeptical of this one, so when I was woken by the cat in the small hours of this morning (not worrying about him - he just banged at the bedroom door) from a dream about a fly laying eggs in something I was doing (I guess it must have been food preparation, but I forgot that part instantly), my first thought was: "Ha! A fly! there's no way that can be part of me." This was followed shortly by, "Oh, hang on. Small, but potentially very disruptive, laying eggs that will hatch some time in the future." Context: I've been feeling depressed by politics recently, and feeling too small to have any influence.
ReplyDeleteI love your description of your dream - socks with ID printed on? Why yes, of course. All my socks have my ID on the bottom.
I think dreams are fascinating. I totally love the idea of a fly laying eggs that will hatch later... like power in a seemingly small trivial creature.
DeleteI dunno, it's a bit much for me to accept the idea that EVERYTHING in the dream is a part of my personality, but the general idea certainly rings true for me. I used to have horrible recurring nightmares about monsters and bad guys coming to get me. I think it was pretty clear that this was all of the anger that I couldn't take ownership of. But divorcing one's self from one's anger also divorces you from your power.
I spent a LOT of time in therapy working on accepting my anger. Then one night I had the most fascinating dream. I dreamt that a horrible monster was about to attack me, but at the last minute I realized that I was actually looking in a mirror and the monster was just me wearing a monster suit. Talk about an empowering dream!
Anyhow, here's a little piece I wrote about the dream if you're interested:
http://ecocatlady.blogspot.com/2012/07/on-monsters-and-mirrors.html
The end of that dream sounds absolutely terrifying, but I guess that's because it wasn't my dream, it was yours. I think we have a much better chance of making sense of our own dreams than someone else's (though that doesn't stop me trying, especially if someone's foolish enough to ask!)
DeleteI guess in a way, it's trivially true that everything in your dream is part of your personality, since it's all generated by your own mind. From there, it's a matter of interpretation. In my fly dream, was the fly a reminder that the small can be powerful? Or should I take it more literally as part of myself? In which case, there's a small part of me that's sabotaging what I'm working on at the moment (that part's niggling me - it was something I was doing myself that the fly laid eggs in), but in so doing, is sowing seeds that will bear fruit later (I prefer a 'seeds' metaphor. It's more familiar and it avoids maggots. Now I've said that, I've a sneaky feeling I may find myself having to accept the maggots). Hmm, that's an interesting interpretation...
An anxiety dream I have from time to time involves teaching a class without being adequately prepared. I don't start on time and the students get restive as I struggle with technology trying to get ready. There's one student in particular who's really pissed off, and she keeps catching my eye to let me know how she feels. To be honest, this is more of an exaggerated memory than something invented to represent anxiety. All the same, I can see that pissed-off student in myself. She's no help, she just makes me more flustered. Maybe next time I have that dream, I'll get her to deal with the computer for me!
Apologies for using your blog post as therapy!
Actually, the end of that dream was very empowering... realizing that the only monster out there was me changed it from scary to powerful.
DeleteAnd your anxiety dream reminds me of the dreams I used to have about being late to class... and the endless hallways, and not being able to find the right room, or having lost my schedule and not knowing where I was supposed to be. Oy!
And the idea of sabotaging one's own work is also interesting... hmmm...
Anyhow, please feel free to use my blog for therapy any time - my rates are much more reasonable than those of a bonafide therapist! :-)
And I thought I had weird dreams. This weekend I had one that while not as strange as your was downright weird for me. I never dream about the weather and yet Saturday night I dreamt it was supposed to snow tomorrow. Nothing like my subconscious talking to me. When I woke I found I was freezing and didn't want to get up. Here the temperature had dropped to 51 degrees and I'd left the windows all open. :-)
ReplyDeleteI think you and I have been suffering from the same problem. The rains and lack of sun light has left me depressed (for lack of a better word). I love the sound of water and rain but after weeks of rain I'd had enough. The house was a mess, which isn't me, but I'd been too wrapped up in all the things I'd planned all winter to accomplish outside and none of it was happening. After being cooped up all winter the last thing I wanted was to spend most of June indoors. Anyway, I gave myself a good kick and turned on some high energy music then tackled the house. When I was done I felt so much better. Now if only the weather would cooperate and let me get back outside I'd be flying with good energy and moods. :-)
Ha! I love the snow dream... somehow I think that's a case of reality sneaking itself into the dream. Like when you dream about hopelessly searching for a public restroom and then you wake up and REALLY have to pee!
DeleteAnyhow, it hadn't occurred to me that lack of sunshine might be part of what's getting me down. Thankfully we've been getting a bit of a break from the rain the past few days. Here's hoping you get some sunshine soon!
I had enough of those dreams when I was pregnant, :-)
DeleteI have always had problems with SAD. When I moved to Arizona my kids noticed I didn't have to work to be happy without the sun because there's always sun. Then one week it was overcast and the sun was blocked. It took me days to figure out what was wrong with me. When the sun finally showed itself my son admitted that he didn't really believe SAD was a problem until then. I need my sun!!
It's about time you got a break from the rain, I hope your weather is coming our direction soon!
Well, it's near 90 with full sun at the moment, so I think I'll head outside to spend some time sweating in the garden! :-)
DeleteThere is just so many tidbits today to comment on that I could start whining!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain with being the Kitty Nurse. It is a hard thing to handle. As for the dream, your description is the very reason that I go ape-crap-crazy every time someone in a movie or on TV has a rational, orderly dream. That just isn't how dreams work!
As for cleaning, when am in emotional turmoil, I can not sleep if there is clutter or a mess. When TBG wakes up in the morning to find an area suddenly clean, his immediately asks "OK, what's wrong." It nice that Catman understands you too!
Things will straighten out -- but I will say that what you describe about Princess is by-the-book CRF. If you can sneak some canned pumpkin into her diet, she might feel full longer. But that might be near impossible to do.
Good luck and I'm pulling for you and your twisted sub-conscious.
Thanks so much for your thoughts. I may give the pumpkin another try - it's such a balancing act between giving her foods that will help her and giving her foods that she likes and will eat! And I really wish that I had the "cleans when under stress" gene rather than the "becomes a total slob" one! :-)
DeleteHi cat lady your princess sounds like she has many or all of the syptoms my boy had does she have renal failure?Tanyas renal failure web site helped us
ReplyDeleteIt explains about the symptoms and how to help them. did not know kitties were suppose to be on a wet diet thus the renal failure same vet for years.
The fluds help them feel better it flushes part of the toxins out so they do not feel as bad.This kind of kitty does not want to eat because there tummy is upset sometimes wet food and fluids helps the tummy feel better. I also did a quick search and found all the best pet care.com/kidney -failure-in-cats
not sure about herbs for kittes but the other stuff sounded right. hope princess feels better. My key board is acting up today the I does work half the time.
thanks for taking good care of princess
blessings
Patti
Hi Patti, thanks so much for your comment.
DeleteYes, Princess does have renal failure (stage 4), and Tanya's page is wonderful! Thankfully she'll only eat wet food, but unfortunately she's a bit of a junk food junkie. But I think we're at the stage where it's more important that she eats than what she eats. She does get Epakitin mixed with her food which seems to help her, as well as Azodyl supplements twice a day (those are the empty stomach ones that are challenging from a timing perspective.) And fortunately her potassium, phosphorous and calcium levels are all still normal.
She used to get daily fluids, but she also has heart problems and a few months ago she went into congestive heart failure (her heart couldn't keep up so she had fluid built up in her lungs) and we almost lost her - so we've had to back way off on the fluids.She's now on blood pressure medication which also seems to help her a great deal.
The vet honestly didn't expect her to live more than a few weeks when she was diagnosed back in December - her creatinine and BUN numbers are horrible - so it's sort of a miracle that she's doing as well as she is.I'm just grateful for every day that I get to spend with her.
Anyhow, sorry to bore you with all the details, I'm sure that's WAY more info than you wanted! :-)
Thanks again for your thoughts,
xoxoxo,
Cat
AWW you are such a good cat mom. It is very complicated all the meds and labs I felt like a nurse. It was nice to know that we did everything to make
ReplyDeletehim as comfy as possible. It sounds like you have t dialed in. I know about
the junk cat food that is all boy wanted so I said ok them eating is way more important. than what they eat....I am glad you found some things to help her.You did not bore me with details been there done that boy did not develop the heart failure my friends kitty did. We are blessed to have our furr babies. Hang n there ;) .Lili says you might have a post on solar ovens DIY . I was thinking of giving it a try?
Blessings,
Patti
Thanks so much for your support. I think the hardest part is just wanting to do the best I can for her, and at every point I'm always thinking "is this helping or hurting?" It was fluids day today, which makes me really nervous since the heart failure thing - I have to watch her really carefully for any signs of breathing troubles after she gets them, and I'm always worried that I'll inadvertently do something wrong and give her an infection... worry, worry, worry...
DeleteAnyhow, solar ovens...
Yes, I built one and it was really quite easy, though not entirely without challenges. Here's a post that I wrote about it:
http://ecocatlady.blogspot.com/2012/06/lovin-my-solar-oven.html
And here's a link to a site with plans and directions for building all sorts of different solar cookers:
http://solarcooking.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Solar_cooker_plans
If you do build one, I'd LOVE to hear about what does and doesn't work for you! :-)
I'm so sorry to hear about Princess being sick. It's so hard when the fur babies are sick, especially when they're high maintenance about it. I know it's probably not the most nutritionally sound choice (sometimes I think getting them to eat something is more important than what they eat), but we've always had good luck in getting cats who aren't eating to eat baby food (the stuff that comes in the little glass jars). A few different vets have suggested when things are dire, so I don't think it's all bad. Sometimes getting them to eat that seems to kind of jump start their appetites a little bit. Good luck to you and Princess.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Danielle. I do keep some baby food on hand in case things get dire, but so far I haven't had to use any on her. She does pretty well with Fancy Feast, which isn't an ideal diet for her, but it's much better than not eating. And every once in a while I can trick her into eating a bowl of something healthier.
DeleteEVO makes a 95% meat canned food that seems to do the trick in a pinch, and remarkably enough it's relatively low in phosphorous (which is the thing you really want to avoid in a cat with kidney disease.) I think it's because it has a relatively high fat content - which is also good for kidney kitties.
BTW - if you use baby food, be very sure to get a variety that doesn't have any onions in it because they are quite toxic to kitties!
Thanks again for your thoughts!
xoxoxo,
Cat
Oh, man. I relate to all of this. Just last week I was caught off guard all day by a TERRIBLE mood! The smallest things agitated me to immense levels of tension. The heat does NOT help. Swap your Princess for my Kiddo, and we've got a similar story. I can only hope I have an Inner Commando. For now, I'll check my socks for identification numbers so I'm ready should Commando show up and stop my whining.
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up... and you might want to check your bike shorts too while you're at it (see next post.) :-)
DeleteHi there. Miss your posts. Hope you are Ok. and your cats xx (( )) x
ReplyDeleteSorry for going off the grid there. All is well, just busy. Your comment did get me to write a new post though! :-)
Delete