I won't drag you through every sordid detail, but suffice it to say that theirs is not a happy relationship. In a nutshell, he has a drug and alcohol problem, and she's a harping, nagging pain in the ass who is always, I mean ALWAYS in the middle of one crisis or another.
And to make matters worse, she wants to be my best friend. But what she really wants is to bitch about him, and about men in general. Of course, she always wants to do this over "drinks." And I'm sure that I haven't handled it as well as I could have, because I've agreed to get together with her/them a few times. But we're talking like once a summer, it's not like we're close friends or anything.
Anyhow, recently the situation has escalated. There have been a few "domestic disputes" where the cops have been called, and she's currently evicted him and there has been talk of restraining orders (although I believe she's actually the one who hit him...)
So with all that as the backdrop, she's now decided that she wants to come over and "chat" all the time. Now - chatting over the fence... and "getting together" now and then are one thing, but suddenly she keeps showing up at my patio door unannounced.
I dunno... perhaps I'm just anti-social or misanthropic, but somehow, the fact that she feels like it's OK to just traipse through my backyard uninvited... and to bring her dog with her (who likes to dig up my garden BTW)... really isn't OK with me. It's all just making me feel like my personal space is being invaded.
And she also has a habit of showing up when I'm on the phone with CatMan. I suppose I can't expect people to understand this, but when you live under a different roof from the one you love, telephone time is pretty much sacrosanct.
So today, she showed up AGAIN while I was on the phone with CatMan and I couldn't just not answer the door, because she was looking in the patio door and I was right there (it's a small house.) So I told her that I couldn't talk right now and explained that I talk to my boyfriend every day at that time and sent her away.
And now I feel terrible. I suppose that instead of writing this, I should go over and talk to her, but I really, REALLY just DON'T. WANT. TO.
I mean, I'm sure she needs to talk and everything, and I don't want to be unsympathetic, but I really don't want to get in the middle of whatever craziness is going on between the two of them. I mean, I know he's an alcoholic and everything, but if I had to live with someone like her, I'm sure it would drive me to drink too!
Is this bad? I mean, people are supposed to want to have friends and hang out with their neighbors... but I actually really like having my life be MINE.
I mean, there are reasons that I live alone, and I suppose this is one of them. I just want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it - without having to worry about being "on call" for whoever wants something from me. Does that make me selfish?
OK... I'll stop whining now. But I'd really appreciate any thoughts that y'all might have. Am I being a heartless scum sucker? Has anybody else out there ever dealt with a similar situation? help....
I think you have every right to your personal time and shouldn't feel like a bad person when you enforce that. You are not her therapist- you are her neighbor. And I also think that if her dog gets into your garden, you have every right to ask her to take him/her home and NOT bring him back. Dogs who dig in gardens are NOT welcome.
ReplyDeleteI don't think any of this makes you a 'bad' person. If you don't look out for you, she will suck you dry!!
Good luck.
Judy
Thanks Judy, I REALLY appreciate your support.
Deletep.s. If her dog digs up my tomato plants again, it's toast!
DeletePatio door curtains. U MUST HAZ.
ReplyDeleteExcellent point! I actually do have curtains, as well as nifty between the panes shades - but I usually leave them open this time of year so the cats can enjoy the afternoon sunbeams. But I think it's time to develop a new habit!
DeleteI think you handled it well and I would vote for not going over to talk to her. How's that for antisocial? :)
ReplyDeleteBesides, if she likes drama and you don't feed into that or pump her up, she'll move on to someone who will. Eventually.
"Drama" that is the perfect word, and she is a TOTAL drama queen. That is excellent advice... I always feel like I need to be "understanding" but somehow she takes my "understanding" as being "on her side" and it just encourages her. I've just gotta figure out how to interact in a way that is polite but doesn't invite more drama. OY!
DeleteI don't know how she would react to this, but perhaps you could suggest to your neighbor that she joins Alanon which supports the spouses and close ones of alcoholics. There she would be able to tell her story but also learn how to deal with the situation she is in. It could be the way to get her out of your hair.
ReplyDeleteOooooo.... that's an excellent idea! It's sort of a polite way to say "Gee - I'm sorry your life sucks, go talk to somebody who cares & who might actually be able to help you."
DeletePeople like that, in general, will only feed on your "being nice" to them. And you will be sucked into a black-hole of unwelcomed & uninvited visits, late night drunken phone calls and attempts to get YOU into as miserable a mood as she is.
ReplyDeleteIt's going to be difficult as you really DO seem like a nice enough person - come on, I only know you from a blog, you really COULD be a nutjob! :) - but you have to be firm, especially with the dog thing and uninvited visits. Would you rather have one unpleasant talk with her about her NOT coming over all the time, or a BUNCH of annoying & unwanted visits that make you crazy?
Good luck. I know it seems that EVERYbody has that annoying / bad / crazy neighbor. But I often wonder the same thing; what exactly makes a neighbor like that think that you really care about their dysfunctional lives? You'd think that SOME sort of social upbringing would have instilled in them that other people's property / homes / TIME are not something you just barge into. OK. My rant's done now.
"you really COULD be a nutjob!" - Ha! You're totally cracking me up! Actually, there are times when I feel like I'm actually a total bitch trapped in a nice person's body.
DeleteYou are totally right - I have to set limits.
I agree with what everyone else has said...you did the right thing and should not try to make nice with her,she may just get the message now.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who drops in unannounced-I love spending time with her but I hate when I am interupted when I am working on something- even if that something is just pulling weeds.
Don't get caught up in this woman's drama...it will cause you no end of problems.
Marie
Thanks so much, Marie. You're totally right, making nicey nice will only give her mixed messages and make matters worse.
DeleteI'm so heartened to learn that I'm not the only person who hates to be interrupted.
First time I have commented but I do love your blog! It has turned into a real "must go to" each week so do keep it up! Needless to say I agree with the others. Smile, keep it polite but dont get sucked in. It is reasonable to ask her not to bring her dog into your garden, you can say you have cats that dont like dogs, and it is reasonable to ask her not to keep turning up unannounced - you do work from home after all (you work Very Very Hard and have No Time Free At All). hopefully she will get the message. But dont feel guilty, it wont help her and is a waste of time for you. She will find somebody else never fear...!
ReplyDeleteAwwww... thanks so much for your kind words and for commenting.
DeleteYou're totally right, I should play up the "I work from home" thing - somehow it seems to be the only thing that people understand. I've never let her dog inside because of the cats, but it still totally freaks them out when she brings it into the yard - and to tell the truth - Smoky & Princess are still having "issues," so we REALLY don't need anything else getting either of them all worked up.
Don't go. And don't feel like a terrible person because of it. You have no obligations to her or her sucky life, and you have better things to do with your time. I'm not good at confrontation, but if you can bring yourself to do it, the single unpleasant conversation about how you don't appreciate her dropping in and are not there to be her therapist will probably save you grief in the long run.
ReplyDeleteI totally suck at confrontation too... as if that isn't completely obvious by now! And you're totally right - I don't have any obligations to this woman, and acting like I do will only get me in deeper!
DeleteSorry if this sounds harsh, but if you feel this bad about turning her away just once, it's no wonder she thinks you're her bestest buddy. You absolutely do have the right to your own time, and if you don't tell her when you want to be left alone, she won't know. As far as she knows, you're quite happy to listen to all her dramas. Sending her away sometimes is not selfish, it's just communication.
ReplyDeleteForget the curtains - you've already explained that you don't want to be disturbed when you're talking to your boyfriend. Next time she comes over when you're on the phone, give an apologetic smile through the window, point to the phone, and turn your back on her.
Also, you have to tell her the dog's not welcome. You have cats, for goodness sake!
Whether you go the whole hog and tell her you don't want get caught up in her life and please to find someone else, or just try to limit the amount of time she spends bending your ear is up to you. Be strong, and don't feel guilty!
You're not being harsh at all... you've hit the nail on the head. This isn't the first time I've had problems setting limits with people. In fact, it's sort of the story of my life. I have the same problem with my parents, and when I worked at the music school, I'd literally have to stay until midnight to get anything done because people were always wanting to "chat" - so I never could get my work done!
DeletePerhaps, rather than getting all pissed off at my neighbor, I should look on this as an opportunity to explore my own issues about setting limits, since I've obviously got some "unfinished stuff" on this front.
If someone drains your energy and brings their negativity right into your house you have no obligation to them. It's a pity you can't help, but she seems just to want drama.
ReplyDeleteI would help anyone out if it were a one-off but she seems to be going back over the same old ground and same old destructive habits. There is nothing you can do to help her.
You know, you make a very good point. It's not JUST that it's not my responsibility to help her - but allowing her to vent and bitch and carry on really doesn't help her at all - it just feeds her already "destructive habits." That actually makes me feel a whole lot better. Thanks!
DeleteUgh! I can't help you at all! I'm what you would call a people person a work, always happy and chatty and helpful - but when I'm at home please leave me alone! I even have a doormat that says "Go Away" and yet people will knock and then walk around the back if I don't answer - get the hint people!!
ReplyDeleteThere's just something utterly sacred about home, isn't there?
DeleteWell, there's been no sign of her today, so hopefully she's getting the hint!
The Alanon suggestion is very good. Tell her (or maybe you really have) that you work from home and are not available for drop-ins -- that your free time is sacred to you. Also, let her know that the dog is not welcome as it digs and you have cats.
ReplyDeleteYou know, CatMan has worked from home as long as I've known him, and he says that when you're self employed, it's very important to make sure the world knows you have a very demanding "client" who keeps you very busy... the world just doesn't need to know that this "client" is yourself!
DeleteFor some reason it bugs me that people think I just sit around twiddling my thumbs all day simply because I have chosen a life that I enjoy... but I think it's time for my "client" to start rearing its head again!
I third the Alanon suggestion. She really sounds like a prime candidate if she will go. I feel for her pain, but she has to take responsibility for her part and not just whine about the situation.
ReplyDeleteYou have a right to set boundaries in your life, don't feel like you're being a bad person.
Boundaries... not something I'm very good at, but I must learn!
DeleteLooks like you've gotten lots of support here already -- I totally understand your reaction.
ReplyDeleteIt might be reasonable for your neighbor to expect support if you had already had a close relationship, but since that's not the case, you certainly don't owe her anything. I think you handled her latest visit well.
I'm afraid it's one of those relationships where I know WAY more than I want to about her, and she knows NOTHING about me. Not that I want to share with her, but it's not like there's ever been an opportunity because whenever I run into her, all she wants to do is spout off about how terrible her life is. When I told her that I wasn't available because I talk to my boyfriend every evening at that time, she was sort of taken aback because she didn't even know that I have a boyfriend!
DeleteAnyhow, thanks for your support - I really appreciate it.
You do not have to be this persons friend. You do not owe that to her. The fact that you do not want a Toxic relationship with this person does not make you a bitch. Hope this makes you feel better. I do not get involved with neighbors except for the waving hi and bye type of deal just because my home is my personal space - my sanctuary to get away from the world. I am not anti-social by any means but a lot of people just do not understand boundaries anymore.
ReplyDeleteYou know, sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not in college anymore (it's only been 22 years!) and I'm no longer the RA!
DeleteWow.... what has this world come to when we have to feel guilty for wanting to be left alone IN OUR OWN SPACE!!!!! That being said, I was a dispatcher for many years, and do you know what the calls were that made me be super-vigilant about my officer's safety???? You guessed it....Domestic Dispute calls. People at their best are volitile. Often, in the typical DD scenerio, the two who are fighting turn on an outsider with a united front. So, stay clear, and stay safe!!!
ReplyDeleteThat's such a good point, and one that CatMan has made as well. I really know very little about these people, and there is just no reason to put myself in the middle of what could turn out to be a very dangerous situation.
DeleteLike everyone else here, I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty. In fact, I would suggest getting off the guilt cross. We need the wood, Jesus and a few thousand other people already went that route (we deal with our martyrs other ways these days, my dear!), etc. etc. Also? The Alanon suggestion is spot on.
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing about drama queens though (my opinion, but we know I'm right! ha!)--they thrive off of it. The drama becomes an addictive, piss-poor replacement for passion and joy. And when you thrive off of toxic chaos, chances are you're not a very good friend. So, why give energy to something that is so one-sided? What are you getting out of this relationship?
I do everything I can these days to cut out the nut jobs. I have enough do-gooder shit in my life. I don't need to give my time and attention to people who thrive on toxic crap. The last time I had to deal with a friend who wouldn't shut up about her boy drama and only called me when she wanted to whine, I told her, "I am happy to listen to what's going on in your life, but I am sick of the man drama. I am your friend, not your emotional tampon." It worked.
"Emotional tampon" Now that's a phrase that will stick with me!
DeleteIt's funny, I was raised as an atheist, but CatMan often says that my parents somehow managed to instill in me all of the Christian morality and guilt issues - just without any of that pesky salvation stuff!
Truth is, this sort of stuff has very deep roots in my dysfunctional childhood. I really desperately wanted and needed someone to take care of me, but since that clearly wasn't in the cards, I settled for the next best thing, and I took care of everybody else. I can remember as a five year old trying to cook dinner because my mother was too depressed and messed up to deal with it.
But you're totally right - the guilt serves no purpose other than to perpetuate my self-image as an all sacrificing angle who would do anything for anyone... which is total crap in the first place!