Hunting the Wild Cantelope

Spelling has never been my strong suit. Who am I kidding... I generally consider myself lucky if the scrawled markings I create can even be interpreted as written language.

So recently I made the switch from Internet Explorer to Google Chrome, which has a built-in spell checker.

Now on the one hand this is great because it means my ability to communicate with other humans is much improved. But on the other hand it totally sucks because it's forced me to own up to the magnitude of the problem.

Anyhow, recently I was in some situation where I was typing the word "cantelope"... only Chrome insisted that "cantelope" was not a word, and suggested instead that I try "cantaloupe".

WHAT?!? No Cantelope? Aw come on... I've been spelling it that way my entire life. I mean it sounds like "antelope" shouldn't it be spelled the same?

But no... apparently the wild cantelope is a rare creature known only to the abysmal spellers of the planet.

Geez... and according to Chrome, there are no such colors as fusha or chartruse either.

Ug... Actually, my language problems extend far beyond spelling. I think it has to do with being an aurally focused person (as opposed to orally... but I am that too) And don't EVEN get me started on homonyms... my personal opinion is that it a linguistic device created for the express purpose of torturing people like me.

But I digress... To tell the truth, I just have a real hard time connecting written and spoken words. I remember one time I had to read out loud in English Grammar class. I read an entire chapter about "deeter-miners" before I realized we were talking about determiners!

I'm sure these guys struck a rich vein of "deeter"

Oy Vay! And to make it worse, nobody bothered to correct me! It's like the time in high school when we were reading "Waiting for Godot". Yup... I was waiting for him too because in my copy the only character they talked about was some dude named "Go-Dot!" I'm sure "Go-Dot" must have been some precursor to the dot-com boom...

And it hasn't improved much over the years either. Just a few weeks ago I was reading one of Aldra's posts over on Consciously Frugal where she mentioned being a dogooder. I spent the whole time going "what on earth is a "dog-ooder?!?"

Dog-Ooder?

And just the other day I was telling CatMan how the only way I made it through school was by using pneumatic devices. He looked at me and said "Honey, I think you mean mnemonic devices."

Ah yes... the pneumatic device... because we all know how the iron lung improves memory!

I am at least comforted by the fact that I'm not the only person who suffers from this affliction. A dear friend of mine once told me that in an effort to become more "worldly" in her youth, she decided to read the morning newspaper. She proudly waltzed into her parents' room and proclaimed "Have you heard about the war in Nigh-cara-gooah?"

But the one that takes the cake was a friend from high school who got into Brown University. Actually, our whole little group of friends wanted to go to Brown, but she was the only one who got accepted. (It still puzzles me because she had the worst grades of any of us... maybe it was because her parents were rich and we were all broke.) But anyhow, after our first year at school we were all back home together and we asked her how it was at Brown. I think she wanted to make us all feel better, and she had no idea the extent to which she was about to make me feel better when she said, "Well... it's OK, but there are lots of "suede-o" intellectuals."

Oh, the lofty suede-o intellectuals. What do you suppose has become of them? My theory is that they're all down in Nigh-cara-gooah hanging out with the dog-ooders, using pneumatic devices, arguing about the proper use of deeter-miners, waiting for Go-Dot and hunting the wild cantelope!

Oh, help me sweet Jesus!