tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post693552229103988595..comments2024-02-23T02:03:23.020-07:00Comments on The Eco Cat Lady Speaks: Practical Advice on a Topic We'd All Rather AvoidEcoCatLadyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-54934841241419249012013-10-14T14:28:45.493-06:002013-10-14T14:28:45.493-06:00Cat,
Unfortunately none of us ever finds ourselves...Cat,<br />Unfortunately none of us ever finds ourselves in the situation when we have to use such things, but what I found is that bad stuff is going to happen despite the fact that we wish it not to and making decisions when you know peoples' intentions really gives you a sense of peace. We were helped by lots of good caregivers - nurse practitioners, social workers, doctors, my father in law's pastor - and everyone was on the same page. So that helped. Some of our last words to my FIL were, "We love you so much and we're going to help you get what you want...." That's how I felt.Janeennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-61230357936335060982013-10-09T01:31:04.352-06:002013-10-09T01:31:04.352-06:00You know, I saw a documentary once about people wh...You know, I saw a documentary once about people who had chosen to be very involved in their final planning. These were mostly people who had terminal illnesses, and also people who had decided on "natural burial" (without embalming, where the idea is to let the body decompose naturally.)<br /><br />At first I thought it was really sad and sorta morbid, but as I watched the show my feelings changed. They were doing things like making and decorating their own coffins - one of which was just a cardboard box that everybody drew wishes on with magic markers -almost like a cast on a broken arm or something. I think in a way it helped them and the people around them make peace with the whole thing. <br /><br />Not sure if your grandfather experienced the peace part or not, but at least he spared you the battle with your siblings.<br /><br />Anyhow - this whole thing prompted CatMan to tell me exactly where he wants his ashes to be scattered should that task ever fall to me - and it was the exact spot I would have chosen anyhow, so I guess I know him pretty well. But it was still comforting to know for sure.EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-77588859050703665372013-10-09T01:22:24.606-06:002013-10-09T01:22:24.606-06:00Oh Janeen, that must have been so very difficult w...Oh Janeen, that must have been so very difficult with your father-in-law. But at least you knew what he wanted so you didn't have to agonize over the decision. <br /><br />My dad and stepmother freaked out during the whole Terry Schiavo case, and had living wills and advance directives drawn up, which they gave me copies of. I pray to God that I never have to use them, but I guess it's nice to know their wishes if I should ever find myself in that situation.<br /><br />In a funny way I am so relieved that my mother passed suddenly and easily. I mean there's a part of me that wishes I'd gotten to say goodbye, but given the nature of our relationship, there's a very real possibility that it wouldn't have gone well, and it would have been horrible to have the ending colored by something like that. As it worked out, my last encounter with her was a pleasant, if distant one.EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-1739305656075894682013-10-09T01:16:05.467-06:002013-10-09T01:16:05.467-06:00Oooo... the tree thing sounds really cool! I think...Oooo... the tree thing sounds really cool! I think if more places allowed burial without embalming or casket vaults so the body could decompose naturally, I'd be much more comfortable with the idea of burial as opposed to cremation. Somehow the idea of being sealed in a box for all eternity just creeps me out!EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-73549995465883607062013-10-09T01:13:02.732-06:002013-10-09T01:13:02.732-06:00Thanks so much for your support. I really think th...Thanks so much for your support. I really think that talking about it is the most important part - especially in cases like this where the passing was a bit more sudden than anyone expected. <br /><br />I couldn't believe it when, in the middle of all this, my brother asks me "Was Mom religious?" I mean, my mom and I were anything but close, but I at least know the answer to that question - and he, in theory, was much closer to her than I was! I guess it's just testament to my family's ability to avoid any and all topics that might have any tinge of emotion to them!EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-21311429239022938452013-10-08T15:54:09.039-06:002013-10-08T15:54:09.039-06:00Cat, I am so sorry for your loss. I know you and y...Cat, I am so sorry for your loss. I know you and your mother had a complicated relationship, it is still a loss that you will feel for a long time. <br /><br />I have papers set up already, along with a DNR so my children don't have to make any decisions. I could just see the two of them arguing over which choice to make. <br /><br />My grandfather paid everything off before he passed away, everything but his date of death on the tombstone was ready and paid for before I walked in to the funeral home to complete the arrangements. He even wrote his own obituary! I had such mixed feelings at the time, I was thankful these were his decisions as my siblings would have given me grief for anything I did and as I was pretty shook up at the time it made the whole process easier. But I also thought how sad it was that he had to sit there and make all these decisions and fork over the money for his passing alone.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-26191676904543178412013-10-08T13:59:14.320-06:002013-10-08T13:59:14.320-06:00Cat,
Sorry to read of your mother's death.
Wh...Cat,<br />Sorry to read of your mother's death.<br /><br />When my father-in-law died we encountered the opposite situation. We knew his intentions, which had been well-laid out in a will, powers-of-attorney, and advance directives (which we used in the final weeks of his life.) Since then, we have committed ourselves to getting our own financial affairs in order and making sure all of these documents are up-to-date (and we don't have children either).<br /><br />While dealing with it can be morbid and sad, it is much easier to make these decisions when you aren't under duress. I find it easier to get on with life and enjoy it when I know I've made these important decisions. I've found with several aged relatives who've put it off is that they spend anxiety-laden older years obsessing about it, when they shouldn't need do (and should be enjoying the time they have left).<br /><br />Emotionally it was so much easier making health care decisions for my father-in-law because he had advance directives. We were resolute and knew we were doing what must be done, and in doing it felt like we were honoring him and preserving his dignity.<br /><br />Janeennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-91542184201150627812013-10-04T12:49:32.071-06:002013-10-04T12:49:32.071-06:00Really sorry to hear that you have had to deal wit...Really sorry to hear that you have had to deal with all of the complications as well as the loss of your mum...it has prompted me to make sure my family know that I want to be a tree when I die (you can be buried and a tree planted on your grave, so your body feeds the tree). I don't have a will as I don't own anything of note, and I know the family would look after the animals. (not planning to die for another 50-60 years, though).<br /><br />I know my parents have wills but I have no idea where they are/how to deal with them/who the executor(s) are, though, so perhaps need to have a conversation...<br /><br />Hope it gets better for you soon xxNicolaBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01542310810409358114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-18900442327893452462013-10-04T09:03:12.544-06:002013-10-04T09:03:12.544-06:00Cat, sorry to hear of what you have been going thr...Cat, sorry to hear of what you have been going through. thanks for the reminders though. my husband and i dont have our will and have decided between us that we are going to be cremated...but we haven't really shared that with anyone. we also have an awesome teenager that I know ny brother would take in, but we dont have any legal document stating that. i guess we have to get our ass in gear.<br /><br />I am also my mom's executor of finance and health and her doctor had us drop her files off to him to scan into the system....so at least i know that i wont have to worry about 'where is her living will'? etc. i also know she has preplanned her funeral and all i have to do is call the funeral home (she mentions it often - she's 85 and knows she wont live forever) to get the ball rolling. i can't imagine what it would be like if she hadn't done any of that or hadn't told me and my brother/sisters.<br />Stay strong!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-39432408596656313602013-10-02T14:52:47.351-06:002013-10-02T14:52:47.351-06:00Thanks so much,
My emotions are all over the map ...Thanks so much,<br /><br />My emotions are all over the map at this point, ranging from guilt, to sadness, to grief, to relief. I guess that's to be expected, but I'm hoping that peace makes an appearance sometime soon!<br />EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-84735216005829567982013-10-02T14:50:56.213-06:002013-10-02T14:50:56.213-06:00Thanks Megyn,
Setting up something to care for m...Thanks Megyn, <br /><br />Setting up something to care for my cats is very high on my priority list. My family doesn't share my love for animals (well, my mother did, but that ship has sailed, so to speak) so I have a legitimate fear that they'd just dump them all at the pound or even worse, have them destroyed. <br /><br />And what I'm discovering here is that whatever plans you make, especially any that involve decisions that need to be made in a timely manner after you go, are pretty much irrelevant if the executor/next of kin doesn't know about them. So I guess communicating all of that to my family is gonna be important for me to do.EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-90171222279948743232013-10-02T14:46:07.336-06:002013-10-02T14:46:07.336-06:00I'm totally with you in terms of planning for ...I'm totally with you in terms of planning for sickness or disability. My dad & stepmom have already written a "living will" with instructions should they become incapacitated. But I suppose I should consider doing the same. And then there's long term care insurance and all that. Oh, the fun just never ends!<br /><br />The other part of this that I'm discovering is that plots and funerals are only one small part of final arrangements. There are costs for EVERYTHING... clergy/celebrant, fees for using the cemetery on a weekend, burial/interment vaults, not to mention the cost of a headstone or marker. It's looking like Mom's estate will be solvent so the estate should cover most of those costs, but still, it's a tad bit overwhelming!<br /><br />I sincerely hope that you won't be needing to deal with any of this for a long, long time!EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-46128779788560356152013-10-02T14:40:46.154-06:002013-10-02T14:40:46.154-06:00I know, right? Several close friends of mine just ...I know, right? Several close friends of mine just lost parents, and I've got others who are dealing with an imminent departure. I suppose it's just the time of life. There was the season when everybody was getting married, then kids were popping out all over the place, and now parents are getting infirm and passing on. I guess that's just how it rolls. Anyhow, thanks so much for your thoughts.EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-33611042198127803782013-10-02T14:38:25.994-06:002013-10-02T14:38:25.994-06:00Thanks so much Alex. You know, you might want to m...Thanks so much Alex. You know, you might want to make sure that your executor knows that the funeral arrangements are located in the will, because, as I am discovering, they generally are kept separately, and often the will is not even opened until after the funeral is held. Just a little FYI there.EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-86477292152013594932013-10-02T14:36:46.360-06:002013-10-02T14:36:46.360-06:00Yup, I need to get my act together in the will dep...Yup, I need to get my act together in the will department. I do think that much of this is simplified if you are married though, because the surviving spouse would have access to things like bank records and safe deposit boxes. EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-66683261618896202492013-10-02T14:35:02.492-06:002013-10-02T14:35:02.492-06:00Thanks so much Cheryl. I guess I have mixed feelin...Thanks so much Cheryl. I guess I have mixed feelings about all of this. On the one hand, it seems pretty clear that part of the reason this is all such a mess is that Mom really wasn't expecting to go so suddenly. So some part of me is grateful for that because I don't think she'd have handled it well if a doctor had told yer "you have xyz amount of time to live." On the other hand, it sure would have been nice to have been able to sort some of this out ahead of time!EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-57740616219225297172013-10-02T14:32:17.099-06:002013-10-02T14:32:17.099-06:00Well, I guess you can look at it this way - the st...Well, I guess you can look at it this way - the stuff you had to deal with for your dad counted double! <br /><br />And speaking of family plots where numerous generations are buried, we just discovered that Mom had a plot that she inherited from her mother's family. It's in Salt Lake City, Oy! Nobody in our family has lived there for several generations, but there are ancestors buried there that go back 4-5 generations, so.... blargh! The twists and turns just keep coming!EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-52505168342485195102013-10-02T14:28:05.591-06:002013-10-02T14:28:05.591-06:00Thanks so much. I think "complicated" is...Thanks so much. I think "complicated" is the word for all of it!EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-66041833668914964092013-10-02T14:27:41.007-06:002013-10-02T14:27:41.007-06:00You know, you might want to peek at those plans an...You know, you might want to peek at those plans and encourage your mom to make sure it's all up to date because, as I'm finding out, companies get sold, policies change, yadda yadda yadda...EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-46852608170322091072013-10-02T14:25:46.043-06:002013-10-02T14:25:46.043-06:00Thanks Debbie,
You know, I completely understand ...Thanks Debbie,<br /><br />You know, I completely understand the desire to be independent and not wanting people "checking up on you" because I share the sentiment. At the same time, it's horrible to think about what could have happened - falling and being stuck there suffering for several days. So I'm grateful that she went peacefully in her sleep.<br /><br />I also totally agree that revisiting your plans on an annual basis is a good idea. That's part of what we're dealing with here - the planning that was done is over 30 years old so it's hard to figure out what parts of that were done out of her desire for xyz and what parts were just what would have been convenient at the time.EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-41111511708288375472013-10-02T13:44:24.044-06:002013-10-02T13:44:24.044-06:00Ha! Now there's a mark of a successful life - ...Ha! Now there's a mark of a successful life - outlive everyone who was supposed to speak at your funeral! :-)EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-3211350326072875032013-10-02T13:43:37.229-06:002013-10-02T13:43:37.229-06:00Yup... I guess it's human nature to avoid the ...Yup... I guess it's human nature to avoid the topic, but it really would have made things easier if a few conversations had taken place ahead of time.EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-69406762371338684372013-10-02T13:42:50.911-06:002013-10-02T13:42:50.911-06:00Thanks so much. You know, part of me is grateful t...Thanks so much. You know, part of me is grateful that it happened suddenly because my mom would not have handled things like nursing homes very well. I only wish we'd had the opportunity to get a bit more closure, both in an emotional and practical sense.EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-22851827070639552822013-10-02T13:41:28.103-06:002013-10-02T13:41:28.103-06:00Thanks Jodi - That really was my intent in writing...Thanks Jodi - That really was my intent in writing this - to save someone else from going through this sort of thing, rather than just to complain about it. :-)EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7685979597473858413.post-19011464540534202152013-10-02T13:40:19.869-06:002013-10-02T13:40:19.869-06:00Thanks so much, I really appreciate the support.Thanks so much, I really appreciate the support.EcoCatLadyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15704811319510740473noreply@blogger.com