Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Pernicious Power of Projection

I had a crappy day today. Well, it started out crappy anyhow.


My sweet kitty Sputnik has been having a bit more trouble the past week or so. For those of you not following the saga of Sputnik VonWiskars, Sputty is my precious 15 year old tuxedo cat who was diagnosed with a bladder tumor back in December.


He's been doing remarkably well all things considered, but the past week or so he's been having more urinary "issues."

I had avoided calling the vet because I was afraid and worried that it all meant that the end was near.


I finally called on Friday, but the vet was out of the office. The last time we spoke we had discussed the possibility of trying another round of prednisone since he seemed to respond well when we gave him a short course back in December.

Anyhow, I left a message saying that I thought we should go ahead and try that, not expecting it to be returned until today. So today finally rolled around and I waited and waited and waited.


Around 4pm I finally called and talked to the vet tech who said she'd try to catch him between appointments and see if he would just OK the meds so I could come pick them up. But still no call.

I was sure this meant that the vet had decided that Sputty was beyond hope and that he was gonna pressure me to have him put to sleep. The last time we talked the vet was encouraging another round of testing, and I was sure he was looking for justification to tell me that I had to euthanize Sputty.



Finally around 7 the vet called and we talked it all over.


Turned out the vet wasn't thinking anything remotely like that. Apparently the fact that Sputty has a mass in his bladder makes him much more susceptible to bacterial infections, so he wanted to discuss the possibility of trying another round of antibiotics.

He also mentioned further tests again, but this time he clarified that the point would be to decide if maybe we wanted to reconsider the option of surgery since it obviously isn't the fast growing cancer that he originally thought it was.

We decided to try prednisone again, and if that doesn't help then we'll try antibiotics, and if he's still having a really rough time then we'll consider further tests and maybe revisit the idea of surgery. Not a word about euthanasia.


When I hung up the phone I felt about seven million times better. But I also can't help but feel like I'm some sort of an idiot. Why am I so quick to jump to the worst possible conclusion?


And why am I always convinced that somebody is gonna make me do something that I don't want to?


On closer inspection, I guess I know why. Ever since Sputnik got sick my parents have been pressuring me to have him put to sleep. In their opinion he's basically outlived his usefulness now that he's become "inconvenient" so I should just euthanize him and be done with it.


Needless to say, I've been avoiding my parents more than usual during the past six months because I don't want to subject myself to their crazy and unwelcome opinions. But I guess that sort of stuff has a way of burrowing itself into your inner psyche in a very pernicious manner.


I mean clearly, I had just projected all of my parents' crazy stuff onto my vet, which wasn't at ALL where my vet was coming from.

It all just makes me wonder what other ways I do this sort of thing. There are plenty of times that I'm just sure that "everybody" holds xyz opinion, or judgment or whatever, when none of it is true.


One would think that I would have learned this lesson by now, but apparently not.

I can't help but think that so many of our societal ills are caused by this pernicious power of projection. Wouldn't it be so much better if we let people be who they are instead of assuming we already know?


Just my thought for the day...

34 comments :

  1. Fight or flight syndrome, maybe? And it seems, to me at least, that when caring for an ailing critter (fighting off death), are reserves are weakened, our reasoning isn't objective and fear (flight) is the immediate response. Think the worst, prepare oneself for the worst and then run like hell from it. Personally, I think this is just a long held automatic animal response. It's not much different than when cats who are sick hide somewhere & don't come out until they feel better. Unfortunately, they often don't feel better and it's too late to help them recover. So, in my experience, we - the caretakers - must fight our nature and face the "music" head on if we hope to keep our critters alive and well. Anyway, I'm talking from personal experience & only hope I've learned my lesson, and choose response over escape. Guess it's a matter of facing our fears (confronting the boogeyman hiding under the bed) & getting past them.

    Rejoice in the fact that with such a horrid initial diagnosis that Sputty has done so well for so long. There is ample reason to hope he will overcome this bump in the road.

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    1. Thanks Connie, I've definitely been suffering from the desire to crawl under the covers and never come out recently. I sure hope my sweet boy pulls through.

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  2. You bring up lots of issues, but I'll just address one of them--listening to what people say and getting all wrapped up in it. When I was in high school and hearing not so nice things, my mother gave me good words that I still use today. "Consider the source and move on." Those words really help. Also, my husband has a phrase that makes a lot of sense that I try to use. "Why do you care what they think?" I have a harder time internalizing this one but I'm working on it.

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    1. I LOVE the "consider the source" one. I have a harder time with "why do you care what they think" too - which is the exact same thing that CatMan always says. Maybe it is a male/female thing.

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    2. I think is a male/female thing. Females are generally programmed to be more social which means we will care more what others think to fit into the group better.

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  3. Is that a real picture of Sputty? What a sweetie! My parents have tuxedo cat. They are such elegant little creatures.

    Cut yourself some slack--you were worried about your baby. You had a normal, fear-filled response. Who wouldn't?

    I think, in general, females have a harder time dealing with negativity from others than males (this comes from the oh-so-scientific observation of my daughter and me versus my husband and son). We are very tuned in to the emotions of others, both good and bad. I keep waiting to develop a thicker skin but it doesn't seem to happen. Hmmm.

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    1. Kris, I think your observation is spot on. There's no denying that we women get a lot of shit dumped on us from an early point in our lives, specially about our appearance and sexuality. Men get shit too, but not so much in these two areas which are very emotionally loaded. It's no surprise that we grow to expect the worse from people, and are generally more sensitive to others' opinions. I'm trying to develop a thicker skin as well -- good luck to you!

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    2. Hi Kris,

      Yup... that's by beautiful boy - and he is every bit as sweet as he looks.

      And I think you're both right about the male/female thing. Seems like I heard somewhere that men achieve social status by being in charge, while women achieve it by making friends. I guess given that paradigm it makes sense that women would be more sensitive to what other people think of them.

      Anyhow, I suppose the other little subconscious thing going on is that the vet has the same first name as my brother, who is very much in league with my parents when it comes to this sort of thing. I wonder if that plays into my assumptions about him too.

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  4. Oh gosh, what a horrible day you had! You must've been crazy with worry and fear. I do that, too, think the very worst when I haven't heard any news on something. I hope your kitty is feeling better this week.

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    1. Thanks Lili, and thanks again for the shot of joy yesterday - I really, REALLY needed it!

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  5. I'm sending you a million hugs as I am currently dealing with the *same* pressure from my parents AND my in-laws! Our orange tabby, Capt. Pickles, who I adopted last year ended up having horrendous stomatitis to the point where he needs all of his teeth removed. Obviously that's well over a grand. Everyone kept telling me to give him back to the shelter (the one I worked at!) or put him down. He's not worth that. We've finally gotten around to getting the surgery done, and now we're back to getting crap from family. "Why would you spend THAT much for THAT cat?!" (you know, because they've never seen him or know him, so that must mean he's a bad/dumb cat). UGH! Anyway, I join you in the pain!

    Secondly, projection is so responsible for so much. In my teen years, my dad refused to admit to my depression. He kept calling it a cry for attention. It was only recently that he admitted that he is sorry for not wanting to see the truth. I think it's so easy to project because we are always on the defense. We want those near to us or who we care about to like us, and if they are questioning our decisions...then most must be. We have to be ready! Guns blazing! The Hubs is trying to get me to not care as much since it just eats me up, and the converse side to me not trying to please is guilt...which is just as powerful an emotion to bring me down. Sometimes it just feels like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I hope you find a solution that leaves you lifted rather than down. Hugs to you and Sputty!

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    1. Thanks Megyn,

      Your parents sound soooo much like mine in this regard. They've never had a pet (I grew up with my mother, so all of my childhood pets were with her, not my dad & stepmom.) I think that on some level they really just don't see Sputty as a living creature who I love and care about. They just see him like a piece of equipment that isn't functioning correctly and can't be repaired, so in their opinion it should just be tossed.

      But as CatMan pointed out, my parents have never exactly been a font of unconditional support. They tend to swing wildly between trying to control my entire life and tuning me out completely. Sigh. I just have to keep reminding myself that on some level they are just reacting to their own emotional baggage, and lord knows, they've got plenty of it. Somehow it's easier to see that stuff objectively when they're not your parents though.

      Anyhow, I'm sending you and Pickles purrs and head butts, along with all the healing energy I can muster. I've heard that many cats with stomatitis do really well after they have all of their teeth removed.

      Big Hugs....

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    2. I've been through plasma cell stomatitis with bunches of my cats - from calicivirus. Once the teeth are out, all of the teeth, they start eating again and are much, much better. I thought I paid a lot for the surgery ($450), but your vet outcharged mine. YIKES - but it's well worth it.

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  6. I think that sometimes the hardest part about jumping to the worst conclusion is how long it can take us to realize that we just jumped to the worst possible conclusion. To be honest, when I read your first couple lines I immediately thought, 'oh no, Sputnik must've passed away!' which of course was the worst possible conclusion.

    I guess what's helped me is that I've made an active attempt to be an optimist. It's like trying on a piece of clothing that's ten sizes too big as it doesn't stay put for long, and I'm back to being a pessimist again. It's just in our nature, I guess.

    Glad Sputnik is okay! Hoping he getts better.

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    1. You know, I've heard the saying "If you think the worst and get the worst you suffer twice, but if you think the best and still get the worst you only suffer once." It makes so much sense in a logical sort of way, but I fear I'm just not a creature of logic.

      I guess some part of me thinks that I can inoculate myself from the pain by preparing myself for it. This is, of course, not true - but that doesn't seem to stop me.

      I'm sure some of this is tied to my childhood. It's like the first inkling of something bad happening, and I'm right back in my 5 year old body, standing in the dining room, with my parents telling me that Dad is leaving and not coming back because they "don't love each other anymore." It's like some part of me decided then and there that I was never going to be caught off guard like that again.

      Of course it really doesn't work that way, and I KNOW that it doesn't. It's just hard to convince my subconscious of all this.

      Anyhow, thanks so much for your support, I really appreciate it.

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  7. Ugh, how awful! I am so glad to hear Sputty has some options and that your vet is on board :)

    It's really hard for me to drown out negative voices - especially when they're coming from people close to me. Family drama makes me very uncomfortable. But sometimes it gets to the point where I can't make anyone happy . . so I have to think about what will make ME happy and let the chips fall where they may. I'll probably be working on that for the rest of my days . .

    And I have to agree with previous comments - the men in my life don't seem to face this same anguish over what others think. I wish! :)

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    1. Thanks so much, he's actually doing much better at the moment. He got is first prednisone dose about 4 hours ago and already he's started eating again. Don't know if it can work that fast or if it's just a coincidence, but I'm much less worried than I was this time yesterday!

      The family drama thing seems to be never ending in my clan - and even though I have spent YEARS in therapy dealing with it all, I'm sure that I too will be working on it as long as I'm on this planet.

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  8. I didn't realise Sputnik was a tuxedo cat, I pictured him as ginger :) I'm glad he's feeling better.

    I think it's common to assume the worst and then hide from it. Last night I backed into my landlord's motorbike. I owned up and apologised and offered to pay the damage, but I have still spent the day avoiding him. But when I finally spoke to him tonight he was okay about it.

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    1. That totally sucks about your landlord's motorbike. I think I'd be avoiding him too!

      I saw a program once where people were breeding foxes. I can't remember why they were doing this, but they were trying to make them more tame. Anyhow, they selected the tamest foxes and bred them, and after a few generations of doing this they ended up with a curious phenomenon. The foxes all turned out black and white, like tuxedo foxes! They concluded that the gene for tameness was somehow connected to the gene for black and whiteness.

      I've often wondered it the same might hold true for cats, Sputty is just about the sweetest creature ever to grace this planet. Of course, I've had plenty of sweet cats who were tabbies etc too so who knows. I thought it was interesting though.

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  9. Awe poor kitty! I would probably be like you and think the worst too. I want to change that thought pattern! I remember when Pepe was young and he had bladder problems and the treatment to try and figure out what was going on was costing a lot of money (thankfully I had a full time job back then), and my bf at the time was trying to convince me to put him to sleep too. Of course I was upset and didn't do that, and he is just fine today. Hope everything turns out OK!

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    1. I'm so glad that you stuck it out with Pepe and have been rewarded with a happy life together. I've really never understood the "disposable pet" theory that so many people seem to subscribe to. I mean, obviously not everybody has the resources to provide long term care for a sick pet, and there comes a point when you have to let them go, but sometimes I just want to look at people like that and say something like: "Gee, you've become a tad bit inconvenient here. Perhaps we should just have you put to sleep!" I am REALLY glad that we have pet insurance though!

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  10. I do that all the time too! I never even realized it until you just uncovered the truth. I sure hope the prednisone and/or antibiotics worked! I can't even imagine anything happening to my precious babies. I can feel your pain.

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    1. By the way, did I ever tell you your little Sputty looks just like my Nuggy boy (he's my favorite kitty, but shhh, don't tell the others).

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    2. I sure hope it helps too. I mean, I have to be reasonable, he is at least 15 years old... maybe older, we don't really know. Sputty is sort of the last of the neighborhood black and whites. Years ago, there was a woman on the corner who was feeding a colony of feral and stray cats, and for a while there the entire neighborhood was just awash in homeless black and white cats, of which Sputty was one.

      For some reason, Sputty decided that he wanted to live here. It took him several months to convince me that it was a good idea - at the time I had two warring females and the idea of introducing another cat into the confusion seemed like more than I could handle. But he was such a heartbreaker. He'd come by each evening and I'd play with him and feed him... I'd put the bowl of food down just before I went inside so he'd be busy eating and I could sneak in... but he figured it out quickly and leave the food to follow me to the door and cry.

      Of course, when I finally relented and let him in he became the household referee and kept the girls in line! Anyhow, he's my sweet rainmaker kitty and I sure hope I get to keep him a bit longer.

      And if Nuggy looks like Sputty, he must be a handsome boy indeed! :-)

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    3. Even though Sputty and Nuggy look alike, Sputty has more of the same story as my big outside tuxedo kitty who is also about 14 or 15 years old now.

      Here is a link to some photos of my Nuggy boy - http://seasidesimplicity.blogspot.com/2012/04/n-if-for.html

      And a link to the the Biggs (aka Cinderella) - http://seasidesimplicity.blogspot.com/2012/04/k-is-for.html

      Although when I went to get the links I realized you had commented on both posts already. Oh well, it's a refresher kitty course ;)

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    4. What is with all those spaces in my reply? Weird.

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    5. Well, I NEVER get tired of looking at kitty pictures! Your kitties are all so beautiful! Here's hoping they all enjoy very long, healthy lives!

      I think the spaces are because it's trying to justify the text to both sides... what's that called? Anyhow, it sees the URL as one long word so it wraps it to the next line and tries to justify the top line. You can make it not do that if you put a return before the URL so it sees the top part as a separate sentence. (Can you tell I've fought with this one before? Perhaps I'm just spacing neurotic or something!)

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    6. p.s. Cinderella looks like she was part of a TNR (Trap Neuter & Release) program with that clipped ear. Princess has one just like it!

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    7. Really? I know about the programs but never knew they clipped the ear like that. Then again, (he) she only has a half a tail too, maybe (he) she is just accident prone ;)

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    8. Well, it's possible, but it sure looks like a TNR clip. They generally do a clean snip across the top of the left ear. Too bad they can't talk to us and tell us their stories!

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  11. I was wondering how Sputnik was doing, sounds like everything you have been trying is working since the vet thought it was going to grow quickly I can only "assume" its slowed from the things you have tried. Sputty is one tough kitty.

    You know I think we all want in some way to have our ideas and opinions accepted and respected, shen we hear too much negativity we can start to believe everyone is the same and project that as a defense mechanism in case the next person wants to push their views on us. I've been guilty of it plenty myself. One thing that helps me is to remember a quote I heard which goes, it's none of my business what other people think of me. It grounds me and helps me to ignore the negativity.

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    1. I LOVE that quote! I'll have to remember that one. And yes, Sputty is a tough kitty, with an indomitable spirit!

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  12. We have had many cats over the years that we had to end up putting down. I have never, ever had a vet that suggested it, although a few probably thought it. It usually turns out that we wait a little too long, trying and trying to change the inevitable.

    If your parents are suggesting that option, then I would be avoiding them as well. Sputnik still looks pretty good and he deserves every opportunity....which I know you are giving him.

    It sounds like you still have some good options.


    grrrrr on the robot thingy!!!

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    1. OK... you lost me with the robot part. What am I missing?

      Anyhow, I sure hope he pulls through this little episode. He's been doing a bit better but not a lot... I'm hoping to touch base with the vet tomorrow and see about antibiotics.

      It's comforting to hear that you've never had a vet push euthanasia - I'm not sure why I'm so afraid of that. Probably because when I was a kid, my mother had all of our pets euthanized as soon as they became inconvenient. I know she was trying to spare us the pain of watching a beloved pet go downhill, but I guess it just always seemed like they didn't get a fair shot.

      Ultimately it may come to that, but if it does, it will be because he is suffering, not because he's inconvenient.

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