Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Working Toward a New Definition of "Practice"

I'm afraid that, try as I might to embrace the ideas of mindfulness and living in the moment, at heart, I am a goal oriented creature. As much as I logically know that it doesn't really work this way, I still tend to see life as a series of obstacles to overcome, and things to accomplish.


Embedded in this way of thinking is the fantasy that "one day" there will come a time when everything will be "done" and I can just sit back and revel in the fact that I'm now finished.


This is, of course, complete and utter nonsense, and that fact has become very apparent in my life of late.


So, as I mentioned in one of my recent posts, one of my webpages got hacked. It's sorta strange, actually, because it doesn't really appear that any damage was done. They simply changed my password, and then sent me an email telling me that they'd broken in and done it. Hmmm...

Anyhow, I had to install some security software and do a bunch of work to assure myself that no damage actually was done, and in the process, well, let's just say it was sorta like stumbling around in the dark.

This particular site has been sorely neglected for... well, for a while now. First there were the endless kitty crises, then I was focused on more immediate concerns with several of my other sites, and then, of course, the carpet beetles. So I found myself scratching my head trying to remember the intricacies of the code, and how the darned thing was supposed to work in the first place!


Gah! Why does it have to be that way? My little goal-oriented self just wants to be able to master things and then pack them away in my bank account of skills so I can pull them out whenever I need them. Sigh.

I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be so hard on myself because, after all, I was out of practice.

And there it is... that word: Practice.


You know, as a kid who was in formal dance and music lessons from about age 3 onward, I have a very complicated relationship with that word. Seriously, there's a part of me that does a bit of an involuntary shudder every time I hear it. I just can't help it - it conjures up infinite memories of various parents and instructors... "Did you practice?" "How much did you practice?" "You didn't practice, did you?" "No television until you've finished practicing." and, of course "Practice makes Perfect!"  Oy.

Practice was always a chore. It was something to be avoided at all costs, something that you had to do in order to pass muster, and which you got scolded for not doing enough of, or not doing properly, or... well, suffice it to say, I don't really have positive associations with the word.


And I have to admit that my childhood attitude about practicing has stuck with me into adulthood. On some level I always feel like the mere fact that I'm not good at something right out of the chute, or that I need a refresher course now and then, is incontrovertible evidence of my hopeless inadequacy.

OK. So, after I got myself all upset and worked up because I couldn't remember how my stupid web page was supposed to work, I decided that I needed to take a break and do some yoga. Of course, yoga is another one of those things that I haven't exactly, ahem, kept up with lately.


So there I was, struggling to do poses that I once found simple, and struggling to hold back the tears of frustration, when that word, practice, appeared again.

Only this time it was different. The instructor on the tape (yes, I still have VHS yoga tapes) was talking about how sometimes one side is easier than the other, and that when you do your own practice, you might want to spend a little more time on the side that's holding you back.

Suddenly, I was reminded that there's a whole different meaning to the word, practice, than the one I usually ascribe to it. In the yoga sense, practice is not a means to an end. It's not something you do to "get good at" some thing. Because, in yoga, being "good at it" is irrelevant, there is no thing to strive for, rather, the practice itself IS the thing.


So here I find myself plotting and scheming about how my new goal in life is to not be so darned goal oriented! Geez! This stuff runs deep!

Anyhow, I do think that my life would be much happier and easier if I could just learn to live in the moment, to enjoy the practice, whatever the topic at hand, and to stop beating myself up for not "getting there" quicker... wherever "there" is!


So tell me, does anybody else out there struggle with these things? How do you deal with feelings of inadequacy? Any tips for practicing mindfulness? I'd love to hear your thoughts on the topic.







19 comments :

  1. Yes, I struggle with these things and I constantly remind myself that practice is actually doing, not just rehearsing (I had to take piano lessons for five years, not willingly). And I still have not, after all this time (I'm 65), figured out to deal with feelings of inadequacy. So I'm actually going to see a counselor next week for the first time in my life. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't, but at least I'll know I've tried it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've spent years in therapy, and it's pretty clear to me that, for me at least, the whole inadequacy thing is something I developed to give me an illusion of control over crazy things that were happening during my childhood. "If only I was better, then everything would be OK." Of course, the truth was that the chaos of my childhood really didn't have anything to do with me, so there's nothing that I could have done to fix it. Knowing that, however, does not magically make the feelings of inadequacy go away.

      Best of luck in your journey. xoxoxo

      Delete
    2. Thanks for your kind good wishes. That's an interesting take you have on your inadequacy thing.

      Delete
  2. Oh yes. Definitely. I also find that it's veeeery hard for me to relax if something in my life isn't "done" (my current list includes back-to-school preparations, getting my mom more settled in her new life out here by me, and figuring out my darn new smartphone!!!). I can sooo relate to your post today--having everything crossed off my list, being competent at everything--and you are right, it robs the joy of the moment. I'm extra-motivated to address this in my life because my daughter has these tendencies even more so than I do, and she's only 10.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! So we can share the goal of not focusing so much on the goals! Today, I shall live in the moment, and thoroughly enjoy the experience of communing with my vacuum cleaner... Hmmm... :-)

      Delete
  3. I don't have a negative association with practice because it was never stressed like it was for you. I practiced my clarinet and cheerleading jumps because I wanted to get better.

    However, I very much want to have things done and crossed off the list and it's hard to relax when they're not. I have worked many years to learn to live in the moment. At least I'm aware of present now although I'm still have a ways to go in this area.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes I envy my cats in this respect. :-)

      Hang in there - I know your list is rather long and overwhelming at the moment.

      Delete
  4. I definitely deal with this as well. I'm terrible at sticking with things long term, though I'm a little more likely to do so if I'm good at the task right out of the gate.

    But I have a difficult time seeing the process or practice as the goal itself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think one of my yoga teachers put it best: "You're never gonna get there, because there is no 'there' to get!" Ah, if only my inner perfectionist could be convinced of this reality! :-)

      Delete
  5. What I have a strong association with is "a series of obstacles to overcome"!!! That phrase beautifully describes how I am a problem-seeking missile, always searching for problems so that I can blast them to smithereens. I complain about it, but the sad fact is that I love solving problems (but not always the problems themselves). Maybe I should play chess more. Anyway, I noticed that when I am searching for things to fix, I miss what is so easy to be grateful for, right in front of me. So, I am trying to be more grateful here in the moment instead of looking for something to fix. Try that, and we can report back in later! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Problem-seeking missle" I love it! You know, I think for me there is some sort of bizarre comfort in the whole problems thing. I mean having something concrete to focus on is just sooo much easier than all of the nebulous, intractable stuff.

      But you are right... gratitude for what's right in front of us is the key. :-)

      Delete
  6. A friend of mine actually did finish everything at work once last week. For about 45 seconds!

    Ugh, practice. I take a lot of notes! Not as many as I wish I had later, but some. In fact, at all my jobs, I always made a job manual, mostly for me so that when I figured stuff out or asked somebody once, I wouldn't have to do it again. But I also left it for the next person(s).

    But it's really hard to take notes on how to do yoga!

    I have bad feelings about "chores." A friend of mine once said that for a while he was resisting, but now he can admit to himself that he enjoys washing dishes. And then I realized that I, too, at least when it's cold, find things to like about being forced to stick my hands in warm water!

    As far as feelings of inadequacy go, lately I just don't get things done. I guess I live in the moment, doing whatever I want most of the time. There are several things I should be doing every day, though, sometimes multiple times (tooth brushing, laundry, exercise) and I don't keep up (even though I have plenty of time). And then since I'm so privileged, I really should be doing more to help others who are not so privileged. Currently, I mostly tell myself I'm just recovering from my years of working. But I also do well making checklists (to help the goal-oriented part of me help me).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah yes... recovering from years of working. I fear I've been doing that for about 10 years now... Thing is, at this point I can't even imagine how I ever had time for a job! I think perhaps I have discovered how to turn relaxation into a "job" - not a good thing!

      Delete
  7. I really hate discovering I've forgotten how to do something I once knew well, like make sense of a bit of code that I wrote. Practice for the sake of getting better is one thing, but practice just to avoid going backwards? Surely not!

    I have to remind myself that I'm not the same person I was then, and I know stuff now that I didn't know then (by way of compensation for the stuff I've forgotten). I don't always listen, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I fear it only gets worse the older you get. Sigh.

      I love your reminder though. Next time I'm tempted to start flogging myself for having slid backwards, I'll just have to remember that while I may have been better at "x" then, there's no way I could have ridden a bicycle for 50+ miles and lived to tell the story!

      Delete
  8. That is such a good distinction between two different types of 'practice'. It is really hard to un-train ourselves in what society teaches us: to be goal-orientated, to be the best, that the end and not necessarily the means matters.

    I always balk a bit at the word 'mindfulness' because it sounds a bit too trendy and new age. But thinking of it as you say with yoga, it is very close to that whole sense of 'flow' that Csikszentmihályi talks about.

    I think I had that with my basket-weaving! It was tempting to want to make a 'perfect' product but only for about 2 seconds. It was just so relaxing and enjoyable to actually do the weaving, irrespective of how it turned out. You've got me reading all about 'flow' now and how to achieve it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahhh....trying to be perfect! Soul destrying stuff! I made an arty farty card whilst staying with my friend, who makes many cards. Mine was crap! But I did enjoy making it and I've kept it as a mindful reminder to just 'do it'!
      Now then.....Csikszentmihályi....how does one pronounce that???? lol

      Delete
    2. OK, very interesting. I had to go look up Csiks... whatever his name is, and found it very interesting. I certainly felt like I was in the "flow" yesterday when CatMan and I were pedaling along at 20mph and it felt just effortless. Of course, then we turned around and I realized that I hadn't actually suddenly become a much stronger cyclist, we'd just had a huge tail wind, which, once we turned around and headed for home became a huge head wind. Oy! Probably not exactly how the whole "flow" thing is supposed to work! :-)

      Anyhow, I wish I could figure out how to achieve this state of flow with things like, say, doing the laundry. Somehow, I'm not holding my breath!

      Delete
    3. And Dawn, I love the idea of keeping something like that as a reminder. Alas, most of the things I really enjoy the creation of are food related - probably not such a good idea to hang them on the wall as a reminder! :-)

      Delete

I welcome your thoughts so please leave me a comment and I promise I will respond.

On older posts I've had to enable comment moderation to prevent spammers, so don't worry if your comment doesn't show up right away - unless you're just commenting for the sake of embedding a link, in which case I really wish you wouldn't waste your time or mine because I'll just delete it.

Thanks, and have a fabulous day!