Sunday, January 3, 2016

Crafting a Life that Serves Me

So it's a new year, and I've been thinking.

I've been doing some maintenance work on one of my websites - it's a site full of photos that I've released into the public domain, and I've been doing some work on it that involves reviewing all of those photos. I started the site in 2010, and while the goal was to make photos available for people to use at no cost, it's unintentionally become a bit of a photo diary.


So in reviewing the photos, I found myself going through a life review of sorts - and I'm realizing how much my life has been defined by "crisis events" in the past few years.

I found myself thinking things like "oh, this was taken before Sputnik got sick" or "that was before my mother died" or "that was when my friend V was still alive" or "that was back when life was so much simpler!"

Back in 2009, my life was much different. I had one cat. I was working from home and I was pretty focused on living simply. But then... well, then the cats and crises all started to arrive.


It started with Smoky & Jasper who were dumped in the alley as kittens, and then I found Princess living under my tree, and then Gray Boy and the three kittens... Mix in there Sputnik getting sick - nursing him for a year before he died, two friends dying suddenly from cancer, Smoky getting sick and nearly dying but then having a miraculous recovery, my mother passing suddenly, and all of the chaos surrounding that, Princess getting sick & nursing her for a year before she died, my father dealing with a serious medical diagnosis, and the recent trauma with Gray Boy and the kittens... and I haven't even mentioned CatMan, who's dealing with some sort of neurological condition that the doctors can't seem to figure out.

Honestly, folks, I am tired. And I feel like I've been running for years, but getting nowhere.



I keep thinking about this quote from Thoreau's Walden:


The word that keep sticking out at me is deliberately. Because whatever my life has been over the past few years, deliberate is not it!

I mean, obviously, it's not like I can control whether or not my loved ones get sick and or die, but it does seem that at least some of the chaos in my life is of my own creation.


All of my life I've suffered from a "chaos complex" I just seem to invite it into my life. Actually, if I'm honest "martyr complex" might be a more accurate description. I was the kid who had to get straight A's no matter what, the employee who regularly worked 60+ hours a week and never took vacations, the person who takes on responsibilities and always holds herself to a higher standard than everyone else on the planet... you get the picture.

Obviously, in some twisted sort of a way, I am comfortable with chaos. I mean, if you're busy dealing with the crisis du jour, there really isn't any time to confront any of your own internal demons, or feel any of the nagging emotions that are uncomfortable to deal with.

So where does all of that leave me? I'm not entirely sure. But one thing I do know is that I'm going to try to step up my efforts to invite less chaos into my life.


And my focus for this year is going to be on crafting my life and my surroundings to suit me rather than trying to fit myself in around the edges of whatever crisis is screaming the loudest.

Because, you know what... it's become increasingly apparent to me that nobody gets out alive. I know that's entirely obvious, but it is easy to forget, and the reality that life is a temporary situation has become much more tangible to me recently.

So this year, while I'm still not big on resolutions per se, I am gonna work on sorting out my priorities, putting myself higher on my list, and trying to re-shape my life and my surroundings in a more deliberate fashion.
There is so much that I cannot control in this life, but I can choose which responsibilities I take on, and I can choose to reshape my surroundings in a way that serve me rather than serving as an invitation for more chaos.

Perhaps, rather than being swept around by the things that I cannot control, I can learn to "surf the chaos" and maintain a more centered existence.


I'm not sure what that will look like, but I'm looking forward to finding out!

So tell me, do you have a new focus or direction for the New Year? Are you reevaluating your status quo? I'd love to hear your thoughts and plans.








25 comments :

  1. I don't think I've commented here before but, I'll read your posts from time to time. I'm trying to embrace newness instead of setting goals. So, I just look for little ways to do new things instead of saying "no" to things I desire to do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a great way to think of it. Maybe I need to look at it like I'm saying "yes" to myself rather than "no" to every thing and everybody else.

      Delete
  2. I do hope you learn to let things go. It's been hard for me to do that, but I let others take in a stray, or find a home for a dog, or try to be a star at work. In fact, I found out that you can be respected for establishing and sticking to boundaries.

    You can't save the world -- and you can set out not to save the world and still live with yourself and sleep well at night. Trust me, you can take on less and still manage to find peace. In fact, I believe that is the only way to find peace.

    And you deserve it honey!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Alex, I think that somewhere embedded in the ridiculous idea that I am responsible for everything, lies the fantasy that I can somehow control it all if I just try hard enough. But you are absolutely right, whatever else the chaos approach might be, it is most definitely NOT the road to peace!

      Delete
  3. My goal for the year is survival. I turn 30 in a few weeks, and it's hitting me really hard; thus making my depression come back full force. Getting older sucks.

    I want to challenge my anxiety more this year & was actually scheduled to visit Denver in 2 weeks, but anxiety & depression got the better of me, so I cancelled. If I can find anything to look forward to this year, I will consider it a miracle. Just surviving is the goal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry that you're struggling. I find that the older I get, the less I'm able to power my way through things - the old methods just stop working. It totally sucks, but it's also forcing me to deal with my life more honestly and head on.

      And I totally understand the "big birthday" thing - I'll be staring down the big 50 in a little over a year. But it really, truly is just a number.

      Anyhow, if you'd like a little chuckle, here is some humor from my own midlife crisis:
      http://ecocatlady.blogspot.com/2012/02/numbers-shmumbers.html

      Hugs!

      Delete
    2. I hit 50 this year and it ain't all bad. I'm in the "sandwich generation", dealing with kids at home as well as the elderly parent thing, and you're right, I am becoming more aware of my mortality (not that I wasn't before ... but it seems more "real" now that I've lost a parent). I think it's a good thing to take time to think long and hard about what is truly important to you and to try to make your life line up with your values.

      Delete
    3. Actually, I hit 50 in 2015. Guess I haven't gotten in the 2016 mindset yet. Ha.

      Delete
    4. Ha! I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around 2016 too. I think for me it's less about making my life line up with my values - since I'm pretty good about that - and more about making sure that I don't fill it up with extraneous things so I can spend as much time as possible with the ones that I love, since that time is limited. My Dad's in his 80's, my step-mom is 75, and CatMan just turned 69. Of course, who knows, I could get hit by a truck tomorrow, but any way you slice it, I'm starting to see my time as a precious commodity that I shouldn't fritter away with a bunch of responsibilities that I feel ambivalent about.

      Delete
    5. He can do that much biking at 69, with a neurological condition? He rocks (and puts me to shame ... and I consider myself moderately fit "for my age").

      Delete
    6. Ha! Yes, well he's always complaining that it's not fair that I have so many advantages in the biking department - lighter bike, 20 years younger, no nagging physical issues. But I like to point out that even in his hobbled state, it's all I can do to keep up with him!

      Delete
    7. The problem with reaching 30 is that you can no longer deny that you're a grown-up. You really should know how to do some things by now. But as people age, they also learn more about themselves, so they usually get happier. Even if they're having health problems.

      (Disclaimer: I'm 53, do not have health problems, and always have been basically responsible but otherwise have known I was too much of a weirdo to ever be popular or whatever. I actually mostly liked high school, but life now is even better. I still suck at many things that grown ups should do like maintain their stuff and keep their house clean.)

      Delete
  4. I think many of us can relate to chronic stress--middle age seems to be full of it as the generations around us have crises (not to mention our pets.)

    What I try to do to cope (and am successful sometimes) is limit the amount of time I talk or dwell about a problem, especially if it's one out of my control, look for the positive, and purposely do something that makes me smile every day. I am also trying to add better health habits to that which helps me have the energy I need to deal with the difficult stuff.

    Hopefully as you continue these reflections and figure out things about your life, you'll have less need for the chaos.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is a good point. I need to dwell less on all of the loss and problems, and stay focused on moving forward. I think part of it is that I'm just so pissed off about it all - it just seems hideously unfair in some sense. Of course, I know that "fair" isn't part of the equation, this is just how life is, and when you reach our age, well... I think it's just to be expected. Sigh.

      On that note, I think I'm gonna go do some yoga and play with Jasper since he's got his dental appointment tomorrow --- a dental appointment that will be no big deal and will pass without incident! Dammit!

      Delete
    2. You play with Jasper and I'll pet Leo who just jumped up onto my lap. :)

      Delete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your midlife crisis blog post.....well funny! xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't really have a new focus or direction for the new year. I am mostly focused on continuing learning Spanish and reading books from different countries.

    I also need to lose some weight and do more exercise, but those are the kinds of things I don't like to commit to publicly.

    Also, I keep telling myself I should actually do more things instead of just reading to get ideas on things to do. And I'm enjoying doing more blogging again.

    I'm always mildly reevaluating my status quo. Mostly things are going well. After this Spanish IV class, though, I will start looking into different projects. I'm not sure what yet, though I have some ideas (tutoring math, writing some sort of nonfiction book, fixing up things around the house).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I am of the firm belief that when it comes to recreational activities, the motivation for "doing" should always come from a true desire to do xyz thing and not because one has some idea that one ought to be "doing something." Sometimes I think the most important thing we can do is to allow a vacuum to form - because if there isn't any space, it's really hard for anything new to move in! :-)

      Delete
  8. Wow new year and you are blogging more than I am. :-) Love it! Chaos, wow what a subject to start the year off. I think I was like you, I didn't want to face things, I wasn't ready to at least. My life got so crazy with the that I described it once as my having these balls I was juggling and I had to concentrate really hard because if one fell all the rest would come crashing down and I wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces. Talk about stepping into the chaos to escape real life.

    Hmm, you know your description of the person you thought you had to be, getting the best grades, basically being perfect doesn't sound like martyr as much as trying to live up to expectations. In my home god forbid if I ever brought home anything less than an A, or said no when it was expected I'd say yes, and work always take overtime never turn it down. I was worn out trying to live up to their expectations because I feared they would stop loving me, or maybe I should say I felt the only way to earn their love was by being perfect, yet I could never reach perfection.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, expectations were certainly enormous in my home - as was neuroses. I don't think you just accidentally end up with all of your kids being valedictorians (and emotional wrecks!)

      Anyhow, we'll see how I do with my goal to live more intentionally. For the moment I'm just happy that we get to play your Steelers next week instead of the Red Hot Kansas City Chiefs! I'm happy to let New England face them! And I have to say, that was one of the strangest endings I've ever seen. I was almost expecting a riot or something at the end there. Hope Antonio Brown & Big Ben are both gonna be OK.

      Delete
    2. What is it about parents who are so convinced they are going to have perfect genius children? I hated the expectations so much I was very careful not to voice any to my children. I hope they didn't feel any pressure to be anything but who they are.

      Wasn't that game something? I have been watching football since the 70s and can't say I've seen another game quite like it. No news so far on Ben and news is Brown is in the concussion protocol and may miss next week.Ben is being very cagey but I suspect he has a broken collar bone so his playing is up in the air. The Bengals pretty much gave us the game with those penalties at the end, nothing like self destruction while every thing is on the line. I would rather play your Broncos than the Patriots next week, who are our kryptonite. :-)

      Delete
    3. Broken collar bone?!? How could he have possibly played in that last series with a broken collar bone?

      Is it terrible of me to say that I hope NE and KC destroy each other?

      Anyhow, I don't know what it is with parents. I think people just don't deal with their own emotional issues, and end up putting it all on their kids. One of my friends is currently furious with her son for quitting gymnastics - he's in middle school and she's had him in gymnastics since he was 4 or 5. I just think - c'mon... maybe the kid was meant to be a computer programmer or a farmer, or a teacher, or something else. It's not the kid's job to achieve something for your sake to somehow fill a void that you felt was missing in your own life. 'Nuff said! :-)

      Delete

I welcome your thoughts so please leave me a comment and I promise I will respond.

On older posts I've had to enable comment moderation to prevent spammers, so don't worry if your comment doesn't show up right away - unless you're just commenting for the sake of embedding a link, in which case I really wish you wouldn't waste your time or mine because I'll just delete it.

Thanks, and have a fabulous day!