Smoky has one final vet appointment this week before he is pronounced cured. He's off of all his medications and we're just gonna do one more check of his blood pressure, bloodwork and urine to make sure that everything is OK.
They still have no idea what happened to him (he got very sick in July with dangerously low protein levels in his blood, anemia and high blood pressure) but the best guess is that he got into something and had some sort of acute distress in his digestive tract (which somehow manifested without any GI symptoms.) At any rate... he's gained about 2 pounds and is back to his curtain-climbing, sister-chasing, marauding ways.
|From a few years ago, but you get the idea...|
But beyond the kitty issues, the past year has just been crazy. It was a bad year for parents all around, as not only did my mother pass unexpectedly, but three of my best friends also lost parents. Plus there have been several crises in terms of my online business, and CatMan's broken pelvis, and then there's the whole Obamacare saga (rant on that topic still to come.)
Anyhow, it all just makes me realize how accustomed I've become to living in triage mode. And if I'm truly honest with myself, I have to admit that my penchant for crisis living extends far beyond the chaos of the past 18 months or so. I think that in a funny way, it's a place that I feel "safe."
I mean, if there's a big urgent problem that requires immediate attention, it sorta sucks all the air out of the room and focuses your energy by necessity. There's no time to ponder deeper questions, feel uncomfortable emotions, or face up to age old insecurities when the mountain lion is about to rip your head off, so in a very counter-intuitive way, I think there is some comfort to be found in fight or flight living.
Back when I was still working I was the "woman in demand" basically doing the work of 3 full-time employees for the salary of one poorly compensated one. And then when I quit my job and struck out on my own I was driven to make a success of my business (which I did) but I think I might have worked even harder those first few years than I did when I still had a real job!
Then, of course, there were cats to be rescued - first the boys, then Princess...
Anyhow, my point is that chaos is very easy to find. And while some of it is inescapable, much of it is self-inflicted. And I am very, VERY good at grabbing the anvil, hoisting it over my head and then complaining that the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
So. That brings me to now. Everything is OK. It really is. My business is fine, if a bit smaller than it was a few years ago. My mortgage is paid off. My cats are all fine - well, the ones that remain. CatMan has no broken bones, I am healthy, my Dad and step-mom don't seem in need of immediate medical attention. The house isn't falling down or in need if immediate repair. I've got money in the bank.Things are OK... they really, really are.
So what do I do now? I have to admit that over the past week or so I've had the urge to delve into a few major remodeling/redecorating projects... I do have some time now, and I can assure you that my house could use it. But I'm not going to. Neither am I going to leap into the many new business endeavors and webpage ideas that have been brewing in the back of my mind for the past few years. And I'm not going to undertake any new dietary or budgeting challenges.
I think that what I need to do at the moment is to create space. And I don't mean that I'm gonna jump into a massive new de-cluttering project either (although there might be a bit of that here and there.) No... I'm talking about a deeper kind of space.
I just keep thinking of this quote by Henry David Thoreau from his classic, Walden:
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.”
I guess I sorta feel like when we choose "simplicity" or "minimalism" or whatever this lifestyle is that I'm living, it's very easy to get caught up in the details of it and forget the purpose. Simple living blogs are all full of lots of "doing." We cook, we garden, we mend, we save, we "de-clutter", we clean, we "make-do"... but if living simply requires such an endless barrage of "simple living tasks" haven't we sorta missed the point?
Anyhow, since the universe has blessed me with a relatively calm spell, I'm gonna use it to try to rest, and focus, and breathe, and just to "be". That doesn't mean that I'm gonna spend all day lying on my back in a yoga shavasana or "corpse" pose, but I'm certainly going to endeavor to be a bit more intentional in terms of how I spend my very valuable time and energy.
So how about you? Do you ever feel like you spend your life careening from one crisis to another? Am I the only crazy person who secretly feels safer in the midst of chaos? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this whole topic.