My relationship with my mother was strained and complicated, so it's gonna take me awhile to process the loss in an emotional sense, but what I wanted to talk about here is the more practical side of dealing with a death in the family.
The one thing that has become abundantly clear to me over the course of the past week or so is the importance of communicating with your loved ones about this sort of thing - even if there's no indication that you're gonna die any time soon.
I realize that contemplating our own mortality is a place that most of us would just rather not have to go, but believe me, one or two brief conversations can save your family untold amounts of distress during a time when they're already reeling emotionally.
At any rate, here is a brief list of suggestions that I'd like to toss out into the ether, in the hopes that someone, somewhere, sometime might benefit from what my brother and I have been through this past week or so.
Wherever You Are, You Need a Support System.
My mother could best be described as fiercely independent. She wasn't real big on family & friends, and enjoyed the adventure of moving to a new place where she knew not a soul.
While I admired the adventuresome spirit, her independent streak started to take on a new dimension in the past few years. A year ago she ended up in the hospital for a few weeks and didn't even tell anybody until she'd been home for a month!
Now, I'd be the last person to suggest that everyone ought to be a social butterfly, but I do think that it's important to maintain some sort of a support network. Every indication is that my mom passed quietly in her sleep, and for that I am grateful. And thanks to a watchful neighbor her absence was noticed in only a week. But the thought of all the other ways it could have gone is truly horrifying.
So I guess I'd like to suggest that if you live alone, don't have many personal connections, and have any sort of a chronic health problem, you might really want to investigate one of those medical alert systems.
Funeral Pre-Planning? Kinda Sorta Maybe.
The funeral industry is really into selling pre-paid funeral plans. The idea is lovely... you make all the decisions ahead of time, take care of it all financially, and spare your loved ones the expense and distress of planning a funeral. The reality of it can be a bit um... different.
Now, under certain circumstances I think this sort of a pre-arranged thing can make a lot of sense. If you've got a pretty good indication that you're on your way out, then I think this sort of thing is a great way to handle it.
If, however, you're not planning on leaving anytime soon, you'd probably be better served by either purchasing a small life insurance policy, or setting some money aside in a "funeral trust" and leaving the details up to your survivors. But for God's sake, whatever you do, let someone know about it.
In our case, Mom had purchased a funeral plan way back when we were kids after my parents divorced, but didn't tell anyone about it.
The only way we even knew that the plan existed was because I happened to remember her meeting with the salesman back when I was a kid. To further complicate matters, she left no record of having purchased a plot or any other sort of cemetery property to go with it. For the record - the funeral is the cheap part, burial or interment plots are where the real money is.
On the surface, this all seems like a good idea, but in reality, all it ended up doing was to create a lot of confusion and throw my brother into a complete tailspin trying to use the plan do decipher what her last wishes would have been.
His conclusion upon reading the plan (which was the industry "standard plan" back then and included things like casket, embalming, hair and makeup) was that Mom really wanted an open casket funeral with a ground burial here in Denver.
That's all fine, except for the fact that Mom died out of state, and it's really not possible to embalm a body when it's been nearly a week since the death occurred... and it's extremely complicated and morbid to even transport one at that point!
The fact that we couldn't find any record of cemetery arrangements further complicated the matter. Mom had lived in several different cities since the time the plan was purchased, so this left us calling cemeteries all over the country in a fruitless effort to find out if she'd purchased a plot somewhere!
When all was said and done, it was gonna cost somewhere between $15-$20K (in addition to this "pre-paid plan") to have the body prepared, transported and buried... and even then, the phrases "significant odor" and "seepage of fluids" kept being bandied about in a rather unpleasant manner. Oy!
Finally, with the help of my father and a few of her close friends, we were able to convince my brother that Mom didn't have anything against cremation - she had her own parents cremated - and that her intent in purchasing the plan was to save us the heartache and expense of making her final arrangements, not to guilt us into $20K of funeral heroics thirty-some-odd-years later!
At any rate, I implore you to please, please let your loved ones know how you feel about this sort of thing. If you have strong feelings about burial, cremation or any other aspect of final arrangements, let them know. Or if you don't care, let them know that too!
On Wills, Executors, Power of Attorney, and Next of Kin.
We still don't know if Mom had a will or not. If she did have one, she didn't tell anyone and certainly didn't give anyone a copy of it. In a certain sense, this isn't really a problem because she told numerous family and friends that her intent would be to make my brother the executor and divide her assets evenly between he and I, which is what the law would have happen anyhow.
But here's the catch. If you don't have a certified copy of the will to show that you are the executor, even the next of kin has very limited access to the estate of a deceased person.
So not only could we not get into her property to search for a will or safe deposit key, the bank couldn't even tell us if she had a safe deposit box!
Now, several years ago Mom had given my brother limited power of attorney and made him a signer on several of her bank accounts in the event that she ended up in a nursing home or otherwise unable to handle her affairs, so I think she thought she had her bases covered. However, as it turns out, power of attorney, and any ability to access her bank or financial records ended immediately upon her death. Good Gawd!
Soooo, to make a long story short, my brother had to fly out there to try to sort some of this out. With the death certificate and a copy of his birth certificate to prove that he was next of kin, he was at least able to get access to her home to get a cleaning crew in there to deal with the "bodily fluids" and "significant odor" (trust me, I've had enough morbid conversations this past week to last a lifetime.)
He hasn't had any luck locating her papers, but at least the emergency part of it has been dealt with. The next step is to get a court order appointing him as temporary administrator of the estate.
However, unless he can prove that her estate is likely to be solvent (which is a complete unknown at this point) his powers will be extremely limited, and there will have to be a hearing to appoint him as executor - which, of course, can't take place for another 20 days, so he'll have to fly back out there next month some time.
Still not sure how we're supposed to come up with the estate's estimated net worth when we don't have access to any of her financial records. The catch-22's here are just mind boggling!
So, that's been my life for the past 10 days or so. The thing about it is that none of it needed to be as difficult as it was. A tiny bit of planning and communication could have made the entire process much easier in both a logistical and emotional sense.
I never thought that I needed a will since I don't have any kids to worry about, but my thinking on this topic has changed dramatically. As soon as things calm down to a dull roar, I'll be having one drawn up, and you can bet your boots that whichever unlucky family member agrees to be executor will have access to the thing.
Anyhow, I guess the moral of this story is that as uncomfortable as it may be to talk about this sort of thing, it's vastly preferable to the alternative. So do yourself and your loved ones a big favor, and deal with some of this stuff now. They'll thank you for it later.
Wow, Cat, I'm sorry for what you guys are going through. I have been the executor for someone who had no will or last wishes known, but fortunately it wasn't as complicated as your situation (no out-of-state travel). I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I now keep my personal and financial records in good order for that very reason. Plus I have told everyone about my donor card.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dar,
DeleteI think it would have actually been easier had she left absolutely no instructions. It's the vagueness of it all that's the challenge. I do believe I'll be stepping up my efforts to get my records all in order so everything would be set if I should kick the bucket in an untimely manner!
I'm so sorry. There are no real words, except you have all of us behind you if only in a symbolic way.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, I really appreciate the support.
DeleteWow. You have been through a lot and have not even had time to process it all. I am so sorry. Thank you for using this as an opportunity to share how we can avoid some of these issues.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jodi - That really was my intent in writing this - to save someone else from going through this sort of thing, rather than just to complain about it. :-)
DeleteThank you for sharing, and I am so sorry for your loss. It is very stressful on anyone, and especially when no one knows what is going on.
ReplyDeleteI have had the same issues, with my parents. Nothing was done, no POA in place, which I got, now I am looking at guardianship, two parents who do not get along, and hate each other now, health issues, nursing home problems, yada-yada-yada. They could not agree to do anything, even this to me, being an only child. And I assure you, its a mess.
This needs to be brought up, discussed, and something put in place for everyone. And sometimes it doesn't go as planned, but at least something would be in place as a start.
Again, my heart goes out to you, please take care, and just do what you can do in a day.
Hugs
Thanks so much. You know, part of me is grateful that it happened suddenly because my mom would not have handled things like nursing homes very well. I only wish we'd had the opportunity to get a bit more closure, both in an emotional and practical sense.
DeleteSo sorry to hear this, but thanks for the reminder that we all need to think about this stuff.
ReplyDeleteYup... I guess it's human nature to avoid the topic, but it really would have made things easier if a few conversations had taken place ahead of time.
DeleteSo very true! My grandma was the opposite - she planned her funeral in minute detail, right down to where to buy the smoked salmon for the party afterwards (she insisted that it should be a party and no-one should be miserable), and her solicitor refused to add any more codicils to her will. When she called her local vicar to ask him to take her funeral, he replied, "Certainly. When are you thinking of having it?" Sadly, he'd long since retired by the time she died and she outlived two of the people she'd asked to read the address.
ReplyDeleteWe laughed about it when she was alive but when the time came, it was sooo helpful to be able to go straight to the shelf, take down the file marked 'funeral' and simply follow the instructions.
Ha! Now there's a mark of a successful life - outlive everyone who was supposed to speak at your funeral! :-)
DeleteWow, I can't believe you found pictures for this--I especially love the first two.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this story. Many of these points speak to me. I have issues with dependence and I don't have a lot of close friends. I have been conscious of people who'd notice I was missing--co-workers when I had a job, people I have regular appointments with (e.g. gym on MWF), and my roommate. But this is always changing, and I hate when people worry about you just because you haven't contacted them as expected--I really don't want people paying attention to my every move and then worrying if something comes up. Now that there are cell phones, this shouldn't be such a problem, but I'm even resisting that.
So far I have not had to deal with these issues though I can add that keeping your place uncluttered is also a nice help. When my grandmother died, she had one plate with crumbs on it, one butter knife, and one small glass dirty. Everything else was cleaned and put away. I don't think people should have to be that polite!! It was amazing.
I once wrote a list of who I wanted to get various of my belongs (or really, who I wanted to get dibs on these things). Ten years later, I didn't even know where some of those people lived. So an annual update of any plans you do make is probably a good idea. It's easy to remember on your birthday, but maybe your half-birthday would be better timing. Or I guess this could be a daylight-savings-time-clock-changing thing.
Good luck to you. And also to your brother--there is no way to thank him enough for all that he is doing.
And as you move into additional issues, good luck with those, too.
Thanks Debbie,
DeleteYou know, I completely understand the desire to be independent and not wanting people "checking up on you" because I share the sentiment. At the same time, it's horrible to think about what could have happened - falling and being stuck there suffering for several days. So I'm grateful that she went peacefully in her sleep.
I also totally agree that revisiting your plans on an annual basis is a good idea. That's part of what we're dealing with here - the planning that was done is over 30 years old so it's hard to figure out what parts of that were done out of her desire for xyz and what parts were just what would have been convenient at the time.
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of this! What a huge mess. It's an excellent reminder though and I appreciate you sharing your experience. My mom has kept a file for her funeral plans ever since she lost her mom over 15 years ago. It did creep me out to run across it in a cabinet, but I appreciate knowing it is there!
ReplyDeleteYou know, you might want to peek at those plans and encourage your mom to make sure it's all up to date because, as I'm finding out, companies get sold, policies change, yadda yadda yadda...
DeleteSending you some positive thoughts for dealing with all of this - the practical and the complicated emotional side too. You make a lot of good points on the practicalities. x
ReplyDeleteThanks so much. I think "complicated" is the word for all of it!
DeleteI'm sorry for what you are having to go through. It's been 3 1/2 years since my dad passed, and we didn't have a problem with distance, but I remember the problems dealing with everything.
ReplyDeleteMy parents have lived in the same town all their life (save for my dad's 4 years of military service) so I have no idea why they didn't have a plot picked out (in the cemetery where generations of both sides are buried). General death matters avoidance no doubt, which I understand.
When my dad passed suddenly, we had to go to the cemetery and pick out the plot, go to the funeral home and pick out everything, and on and on. It would have been so much easier on my mom if the plans had been made ahead of time. After the funeral my mom told me she wanted the exact same things for her funeral--same music (we made a CD of oldies songs so they wouldn't play that somber funeral music during visitation), same casket, same graveside service. So that's how it will be.
Regarding cost--I'm sure it varies according to where you live. The funeral cost several thousand, not including the gravestone, and the plot in the country cemetery was a few hundred.
Well, I guess you can look at it this way - the stuff you had to deal with for your dad counted double!
DeleteAnd speaking of family plots where numerous generations are buried, we just discovered that Mom had a plot that she inherited from her mother's family. It's in Salt Lake City, Oy! Nobody in our family has lived there for several generations, but there are ancestors buried there that go back 4-5 generations, so.... blargh! The twists and turns just keep coming!
I am so sorry for your loss. No matter what the relationship was like the loss of a mother is hard. I have lost both my parents and had varying degrees of difficulty with them. I totally agree with everyone needing to make arrangements as to what they want. It is difficult for family members to come to a consensus about how to handle things. A good friend of mine died last week and she had everything written out that she wanted. It took the burden off of her husband as to come up with all the details that are required for a service and burial.
ReplyDeleteAgain..so sorry you are having to go through this.
Thanks so much Cheryl. I guess I have mixed feelings about all of this. On the one hand, it seems pretty clear that part of the reason this is all such a mess is that Mom really wasn't expecting to go so suddenly. So some part of me is grateful for that because I don't think she'd have handled it well if a doctor had told yer "you have xyz amount of time to live." On the other hand, it sure would have been nice to have been able to sort some of this out ahead of time!
DeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you've been going through.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the advice - my husband and I wrote our wills right after we were married (the advice being to get things done while you're young and still think you're invincible so it doesn't bother you as much). It was a somber day for us both - but I'm glad it's done.
Yup, I need to get my act together in the will department. I do think that much of this is simplified if you are married though, because the surviving spouse would have access to things like bank records and safe deposit boxes.
DeleteYes, get a will! It took us 24 years of marriage to do it, but I feel our friends and family deserved it. I need to take time periodically to update info on accounts, etc. so my executor knows where to look for things. In our case, we made funeral arrangements clear in the will but did not pre-pay ahead. It makes sense to pre-pay if you are on Medicare or some public assistance and will be spending down your savings.
ReplyDeleteI hope it all works out well for you and your brother. This can't be fun...
Thanks so much Alex. You know, you might want to make sure that your executor knows that the funeral arrangements are located in the will, because, as I am discovering, they generally are kept separately, and often the will is not even opened until after the funeral is held. Just a little FYI there.
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear that. What the hell is going on?? You are the fifth or sixth person I "know" that have lost a parent in the last couple of weeks! My thoughts are with your and your family!
ReplyDeleteI know, right? Several close friends of mine just lost parents, and I've got others who are dealing with an imminent departure. I suppose it's just the time of life. There was the season when everybody was getting married, then kids were popping out all over the place, and now parents are getting infirm and passing on. I guess that's just how it rolls. Anyhow, thanks so much for your thoughts.
DeleteMy prayers are with you. What a sad and difficult time you have had. I don't know why we humans are so afraid to address our mortality, but there it is, we are. My siblings and I have spent a fair amount of time the past 6 months dealing with updating wills/POA/etc.--my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer (happily, it was minor and surgery removed the cancer--she didn't need chemo or radiation) which, while sad and scary and difficult, was probably a blessing in disguise, as it forced us to look at the "business" end of it, so to speak. My parents have their burial plots already and much of their funerals planned--what I found they were lacking in was updated POA status and wills. There are good books available on helping elderly parents with their aging needs--I wish I could remember the name of the one I checked out of the library, but anyway, it had a great list of questions to ask your parents (names/phone numbers of doctors, lists/dosages of meds, locations of safety deposit boxes/bank accounts, etc.). My thought to add to your well-written post is to not only consider death concerns, but also everything you need to have in place in the event of illness or injury, especially if your parents or you yourself are aging (but really, we should all address these issues).
ReplyDeleteI'm totally with you in terms of planning for sickness or disability. My dad & stepmom have already written a "living will" with instructions should they become incapacitated. But I suppose I should consider doing the same. And then there's long term care insurance and all that. Oh, the fun just never ends!
DeleteThe other part of this that I'm discovering is that plots and funerals are only one small part of final arrangements. There are costs for EVERYTHING... clergy/celebrant, fees for using the cemetery on a weekend, burial/interment vaults, not to mention the cost of a headstone or marker. It's looking like Mom's estate will be solvent so the estate should cover most of those costs, but still, it's a tad bit overwhelming!
I sincerely hope that you won't be needing to deal with any of this for a long, long time!
Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. And the drama that has followed too. It's hard enough to lose someone, but to add all that other crap?! UGH. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI definitely needed the reminder. We do have a paper notarized that would give my parents custody of our boys, but we should probably have something more secure than that. Before I had kids, I talked with my parents and siblings about who would take my pets in the event of my death. I know my kids would get taken care of, but I hate the thought of my furbabies being stuck in a shelter. Another thing to put on my to do list :)
Thanks Megyn,
DeleteSetting up something to care for my cats is very high on my priority list. My family doesn't share my love for animals (well, my mother did, but that ship has sailed, so to speak) so I have a legitimate fear that they'd just dump them all at the pound or even worse, have them destroyed.
And what I'm discovering here is that whatever plans you make, especially any that involve decisions that need to be made in a timely manner after you go, are pretty much irrelevant if the executor/next of kin doesn't know about them. So I guess communicating all of that to my family is gonna be important for me to do.
I'm so sorry to hear about this, Cat. With all of the emotional issues with your relationship with your mom, I'm sorry that this is making things even more difficult. But I hope in some ways that all of it brings you peace in the end.
ReplyDeleteTake care.
Zoe
Thanks so much,
DeleteMy emotions are all over the map at this point, ranging from guilt, to sadness, to grief, to relief. I guess that's to be expected, but I'm hoping that peace makes an appearance sometime soon!
Cat, sorry to hear of what you have been going through. thanks for the reminders though. my husband and i dont have our will and have decided between us that we are going to be cremated...but we haven't really shared that with anyone. we also have an awesome teenager that I know ny brother would take in, but we dont have any legal document stating that. i guess we have to get our ass in gear.
ReplyDeleteI am also my mom's executor of finance and health and her doctor had us drop her files off to him to scan into the system....so at least i know that i wont have to worry about 'where is her living will'? etc. i also know she has preplanned her funeral and all i have to do is call the funeral home (she mentions it often - she's 85 and knows she wont live forever) to get the ball rolling. i can't imagine what it would be like if she hadn't done any of that or hadn't told me and my brother/sisters.
Stay strong!
Thanks so much for your support. I really think that talking about it is the most important part - especially in cases like this where the passing was a bit more sudden than anyone expected.
DeleteI couldn't believe it when, in the middle of all this, my brother asks me "Was Mom religious?" I mean, my mom and I were anything but close, but I at least know the answer to that question - and he, in theory, was much closer to her than I was! I guess it's just testament to my family's ability to avoid any and all topics that might have any tinge of emotion to them!
Really sorry to hear that you have had to deal with all of the complications as well as the loss of your mum...it has prompted me to make sure my family know that I want to be a tree when I die (you can be buried and a tree planted on your grave, so your body feeds the tree). I don't have a will as I don't own anything of note, and I know the family would look after the animals. (not planning to die for another 50-60 years, though).
ReplyDeleteI know my parents have wills but I have no idea where they are/how to deal with them/who the executor(s) are, though, so perhaps need to have a conversation...
Hope it gets better for you soon xx
Oooo... the tree thing sounds really cool! I think if more places allowed burial without embalming or casket vaults so the body could decompose naturally, I'd be much more comfortable with the idea of burial as opposed to cremation. Somehow the idea of being sealed in a box for all eternity just creeps me out!
DeleteCat,
ReplyDeleteSorry to read of your mother's death.
When my father-in-law died we encountered the opposite situation. We knew his intentions, which had been well-laid out in a will, powers-of-attorney, and advance directives (which we used in the final weeks of his life.) Since then, we have committed ourselves to getting our own financial affairs in order and making sure all of these documents are up-to-date (and we don't have children either).
While dealing with it can be morbid and sad, it is much easier to make these decisions when you aren't under duress. I find it easier to get on with life and enjoy it when I know I've made these important decisions. I've found with several aged relatives who've put it off is that they spend anxiety-laden older years obsessing about it, when they shouldn't need do (and should be enjoying the time they have left).
Emotionally it was so much easier making health care decisions for my father-in-law because he had advance directives. We were resolute and knew we were doing what must be done, and in doing it felt like we were honoring him and preserving his dignity.
Oh Janeen, that must have been so very difficult with your father-in-law. But at least you knew what he wanted so you didn't have to agonize over the decision.
DeleteMy dad and stepmother freaked out during the whole Terry Schiavo case, and had living wills and advance directives drawn up, which they gave me copies of. I pray to God that I never have to use them, but I guess it's nice to know their wishes if I should ever find myself in that situation.
In a funny way I am so relieved that my mother passed suddenly and easily. I mean there's a part of me that wishes I'd gotten to say goodbye, but given the nature of our relationship, there's a very real possibility that it wouldn't have gone well, and it would have been horrible to have the ending colored by something like that. As it worked out, my last encounter with her was a pleasant, if distant one.
Cat,
DeleteUnfortunately none of us ever finds ourselves in the situation when we have to use such things, but what I found is that bad stuff is going to happen despite the fact that we wish it not to and making decisions when you know peoples' intentions really gives you a sense of peace. We were helped by lots of good caregivers - nurse practitioners, social workers, doctors, my father in law's pastor - and everyone was on the same page. So that helped. Some of our last words to my FIL were, "We love you so much and we're going to help you get what you want...." That's how I felt.
Cat, I am so sorry for your loss. I know you and your mother had a complicated relationship, it is still a loss that you will feel for a long time.
ReplyDeleteI have papers set up already, along with a DNR so my children don't have to make any decisions. I could just see the two of them arguing over which choice to make.
My grandfather paid everything off before he passed away, everything but his date of death on the tombstone was ready and paid for before I walked in to the funeral home to complete the arrangements. He even wrote his own obituary! I had such mixed feelings at the time, I was thankful these were his decisions as my siblings would have given me grief for anything I did and as I was pretty shook up at the time it made the whole process easier. But I also thought how sad it was that he had to sit there and make all these decisions and fork over the money for his passing alone.
You know, I saw a documentary once about people who had chosen to be very involved in their final planning. These were mostly people who had terminal illnesses, and also people who had decided on "natural burial" (without embalming, where the idea is to let the body decompose naturally.)
DeleteAt first I thought it was really sad and sorta morbid, but as I watched the show my feelings changed. They were doing things like making and decorating their own coffins - one of which was just a cardboard box that everybody drew wishes on with magic markers -almost like a cast on a broken arm or something. I think in a way it helped them and the people around them make peace with the whole thing.
Not sure if your grandfather experienced the peace part or not, but at least he spared you the battle with your siblings.
Anyhow - this whole thing prompted CatMan to tell me exactly where he wants his ashes to be scattered should that task ever fall to me - and it was the exact spot I would have chosen anyhow, so I guess I know him pretty well. But it was still comforting to know for sure.