So yesterday I was standing at the kitchen sink doing the dishes, when I saw a delivery man heading up the sidewalk carrying a big bouquet.
A series of thoughts went through my head something like this...
First thought: Who on earth could be sending me flowers? I just saw CatMan last night, and beside the fact that sending flowers would be beyond out of character for him, the dude is dealing with a fractured pelvis at the moment, and he's not exactly in a place to be thinking about things like sending me flowers for no particular reason.
Second thought: It could be some sort of a belated birthday gift from somebody... but everybody I would expect to send me birthday wishes already has.
Third thought: I suppose it could be an Easter gift... but nobody in my atheist family even celebrates Easter.
Fourth thought: They must be for the neighbors up the street. Our addresses have the same numbers but in a different order, and people are forever mixing them up.
Fifth thought: OMG, there's been a rash of crimes in the area involving people posing as delivery men in order to gain access to unsuspecting people's houses. He could be a criminal!!!
Apparently, I have watched one too many crime thrillers, because my instant reaction was to duck down behind the kitchen counter so he couldn't see me, and pretend I wasn't home.
So I'm cowering there peeking over the edge to see out the window when I see him heading around to the back of the house.
Next thought: OMG, OMG, OMG - he's going to try to break in the back door!!!!
So I go running through the house, lock the back door and hide in the bedroom wondering if I should call 9-1-1. Just then, the phone rings. I look at the Caller ID and it reads "Edible Arrangements". Fuck!
Of course I ignore the call... I mean, I'm not supposed to be home, right?
Maybe he'll just leave the thing on the porch and go away. A few minutes later the phone rings again... "Edible Arrangements" again. Double Fuck!!
This time he leaves a message. "Hello, this is John from Edible Arrangements, I tried to deliver a bouquet for you, but since you weren't home, your next door neighbor was kind enough to accept it for you." Triple Fuck!!!
Now what do I do? I love my next door neighbor, but the woman seriously has extra sensory perception in terms of what's going on in the neighborhood. She's gonna be sitting there looking out the window waiting for me to "come home." How am I gonna get myself out of this one?
Next thought: I know, I'll tell her I was in the shower... but I don't look like I was in the shower...
I quickly rip off my clothing and jump into the shower.
How does the saying go... in for a penny, in for a pound...
Anyhow, about 15 minutes later I sheepishly call my neighbor and explain that I was in the shower, and wander over with my wet hair to thank her and accept a giant bouquet of fruit and candy with a note from my mother reading: Happy Easter!!
So all of this brings up an interesting series of questions...
First, and most obviously - Have I completely and totally lost my marbles?
-- Wait -- don't answer that!
Secondly, WTF?!? When did my atheist family start celebrating Easter? Seriously, I'm sorta feeling like I missed the memo or something.
Finally, and most importantly... see that green stuff in and among all of the spears of fresh fruit... that's kale. Should I eat the kale? I mean it is called an "edible arrangement" after all... but I'm sure they don't exactly intend you to eat the kale... but, you know... it's kale... I love kale!
OK... well that's about all the news from the funny farm.