Friday, August 24, 2012

Falling Down

I took a tumble on the bicycle today.


I have no one to blame but my own stupid self. It was a very crowded section of the bike path, near downtown, at rush hour, where the path narrows and makes a tight little S-curve right up against a busy thoroughfare. I wasn't going very fast, but still, it was too fast for the situation.


And the combination of an oncoming cyclist, my slight distraction because of the traffic, and the 3 inch drop at the edge of the path (because we were in front of the Denver Country Club, and you know, landscaping trumps cyclist safety every time) well... suffice it to say it was enough to push me over the edge...


As much as I would like to be able to blame the landscaping, or the path, or the traffic, or the oncoming cyclist, it really was my own stupid fault.


Fortunately I was on the country club side of the path, not the rush hour traffic side, and nobody else got hurt. Anyhow, aside from a nice bruise on the gluteus bootyus, one small scratch on my finger, and a somewhat wounded sense of pride, I emerged unscathed.


Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for a dear friend of mine who was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of breast cancer 2 months ago, and has been battling for her life ever since. She saw the most cutting edge specialists in the world, but when I got home from my ride I was greeted with the terrible news that there just isn't anything else they can do, so she's coming home to enter hospice care. Sigh.


So here's the thing. Life takes no prisoners, there are no guarantees, nobody gets out alive, and you never know when your number may be up.


But you know what? The fact that we're all gonna die is not tragic... it's simply the way life works. But what really is tragic in my opinion, is to spend your life caught in the machinations of this crazy society of ours, and never really get to enjoy the good stuff.


And in a funny way my little run-in with the pavement this afternoon was a wonderful reminder of that for me. I sometimes hold back from things that I want to do because of fear.


For me it's mostly fear of getting physically hurt - suffice it to say that my over-protective father inadvertently succeeded in filling my impressionable little head with gruesome fantasies of every conceivable way that I might meet a horrible and untimely demise... and crashing off my bike was always one of those.


But you know what... I fell, I crashed, and I'm OK. Now, I'm not advocating recklessness... lord knows I'm gonna be avoiding that section of the path at rush hour, and I'll certainly be slowing down to a crawl in similar situations in the future.


What I am saying is that in a funny way, I'm not really afraid of crashing anymore. I know it could still happen... and I know that people do get killed on bikes every day. But people also get killed in cars, and from eating the wrong cantaloupe melons, and from rare forms of cancer that come right out of the blue.


The truth is, there really isn't any path through life that's "safe." Somehow I think the best we can do is to live our lives with integrity and unwavering commitment to being true to ourselves.




23 comments :

  1. A good reminder to moderate my caution. I too come by it naturally from my mother.

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    1. "Moderating caution" that's a most excellent way to think of it.

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  2. So sorry to hear that your friend has such a short time in this life. I hope she is as comfortable as possible in the hospice. Your last words in the post really resonate for me and I agree whole heartedly. On a less serious level - I suffered a tendon injury (from over use not crashing) after pushing myself too hard on the bike last weekend. I have managed to get some acupuncture and remedial massage at a local natural health college for a really low fee ($25). The therapy is facilitated by students but they are fully supervised by experienced therapists. Maybe this could be useful and available in your area? Take Care
    Ruth x

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    1. Thanks so much for your kind words.

      A massage sounds truly wonderful right about now. I fear my neck may be a tad bit out of whack after the whole thing. Sometimes Sputnik, my eldest cat, will actually give me neck massages... if only I could figure out how to get him to do it on demand!

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  3. I'm so sad for you about your friend - I hope she finds peace of mind and you heal from saying goodbye to her really quickly. Of course none of us gets let off death, but that knowledge doesn't make losing people any easier.
    On the danger front, I consider it a personal triumph that I ride a bike at all. My mother is not so much over-protective as neurotically gloomy about everything that could possibly present a physical danger. I clearly recall an argument between her and my father when I was 4 years old and we were all at Mitcham fun-fair. Dad wanted to take me on the dodgem cars, and mother was having a pink fit because when she'd gone on them once she'd got a whiplash (probably a cricked neck). By the time they'd finished arguing I was semi-hysterical thinking that dad was trying to murder me! I was in my teens before I ever went on a dodgem, and 14 before I was allowed to have a bike. She is similarly psychotic about air travel, motorbikes (I can kind of see that one), doing more than 60mph in a car, underground trains and taxis in London (ever since 7/7 she says she feels like a sitting duck in them. Of course, there are terrorist snipers poised for the once every 5 years that she visits the capital).
    Given that she was almost exclusively in charge of my upbringing from the time I was 8, it's a wonder I ever venture from my cotton wool. If truth be told, by most people's standards I don't, much.
    I really, really wish I could go back to the beginning of the life thing and start again.

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    1. OMG - Your mom and my dad should get together and lock themselves in a padded cell! My dad is really over the top with this stuff - he's even nailed all of the windows shut on their home... even on the second story, because he's so afraid of someone breaking in. It's just sad really. Over the years I've come to realize that all of his fear and paranoia is really just a projection of his own anger and insecurities.

      You know... I think you have to be careful what you wish for in the cosmic do over department. I spent many, MANY years wishing I could just go back and have a "normal" childhood. But I've finally come to a place where I'm able to see my crazy dysfunctional upbringing as a gift. I mean, every family has it's crazy... some forms of crazy are just easier to see than others - and If I'd had a more "normal" childhood, I'd probably be living a much more conventional life right now, and I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be making me very happy.

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. My mother was just 47 when she passed away from an aggressive form of breast cancer. The pattern of my own life has been impacted by this. I try to squeeze as much as I can from my time on Earth. Every day is precious and has significance.

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    1. I'm so sorry about your mother. Every day is indeed precious, and I think those who leave this world earlier than expected give the rest of us an incredible gift by teaching us that lesson.

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  5. Good post -- glad you're fine, really sad about your friend. I know I'm often guilty of holding back because I want to be safe. I mean, isn't that why I haven't put my life savings into setting up my own pottery studio and trying to make it as a potter? I also had somewhat overprotective parents who were cautious by nature, and I think that attitude has rubbed off on me. I'm slowly starting to see that maybe prioritizing security all the time has a higher cost than I'm willing to pay.

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    1. Oh yes, the cost of security... I think that in many ways I am very fortunate to have made my break from traditional society at an age when I had no life savings to risk! I think you just have to keep moving in the direction that you want to go, and when the time is right to make a change, you'll know it.

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  6. So much in one post, I'll try to keep it short. I'm very sorry for your friend, my sister is battling cancer right now as is a dear friend, and I lost 2 others to cancer in recent years. My neighbor says cancer is what will wipe out the world....eventually, not some apocalypse.

    I'm glad to hear you are okay after your fall. I fall easily due to my disability and lately have realized I get really hurt when I do so I have been holding back on things I normally would have done anyway regardless if I fell. I tell people I am not afraid of heights only the damage that will result if I fall. Seriously I am not afraid of heights, love them actually, just give me a very strong railing or other protection around it to keep me from falling from there.

    I agree with you on the parents role. My grandmother was afraid of everything and it mostly made me laugh. I felt invincible as a teen and didn't care that she was afraid for me. My grandfather didn't fear much and so I took after him in most ways, including this. Since then I realize that while her fear of somethings like bed bugs came from the time period she grew up in, her fears of violence was a result of the world changing more than she was able to accept and so she retreated from the world, fearful of being harmed. Actually, I just wrote something similar. Having returned for a couple hours to my home town I saw how the world must have changed for her as it changed so much in the years I have been gone. People are afraid to be outside now. She was just early for the behavior.

    I stop to think from time to time how much better life could have been if I had found work sooner that I could do from home so as to have been more flexible for my family, but it worked out. Today I feel badly for those parents who need to work ridiculous hours or multiple jobs and lose out on all those things they wish they could do with their families. I didn't miss too much compared to what is going on today. I was fortunate enough to keep my hours the same as their school hours and then began working from home to home school them.

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    1. First of all, I'm so sorry about your sister & friend... I'm sending them a little burst of healing energy right now.

      OK... true confessions here... I'm a tad bit afraid of bed bugs. I've never had them, it's just the idea of something crawling on me and feeding on my blood that totally creeps me out.

      I really struggle with being able to tell the difference between rational fear (which is a good thing designed to keep me from getting hurt) and irrational paranoia (which is really just something my psyche drums up to keep me distracted so I don't have to deal with my own emotions.) This has sort of led to a wild swinging between "throwing caution to the wind" on one hand and "sleeping with the lights on" (which I actually did until I was nearly 30 years old).

      Anyhow, I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think you (or anybody else) should push yourself to do things when there is a real likelihood of getting substantially hurt, I'm just struggling to find a better sense of balance in my life.

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  7. Wait. Cantaloupe? Noooo! (just kidding)

    Livingsimplyfree, don't you want to just wear a helmet and pads everywhere sometimes and just not care what other people think about that? (I'm not up to that yet, but I do wear earplugs a lot more than regular people--movie theatres, dance halls, airplanes ...)

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    1. I sure do. I finally had to give in and get a power chair. I was so embarrassed to go out in it at first, I didn't want any one to see that I needed this, but after a few times I got to the point I just didn't care and realized no one else did either. It's given me back my life and some of my hobbies, like gardening.

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    2. Debbie - what is it with the cantaloupe? Last year it was listeria, this year it's salmonella... perhaps it's just a cursed fruit!

      And to both of you... I have finally come to a place in life where I am able to embrace my inner dork. Seriously, I used to always worry about how idiotic I looked, but these days I won't go out in the sun without a big floppy hat and a loose shirt to keep my shoulders from burning... fashion be damned!

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    3. Awesome, y'all! I've used a cane a couple of times when a knee or ankle was hurting but I really wanted to do way too much walking. My mom rented a wheelchair in Las Vegas back when she was pretty out-of-shape, and she was so much happier than before she rented it (plus she enjoyed being able to go faster than Dad for once). So I've already promised myself that I'll always choose doing something that will make me look old if it lets me do more stuff (like using a cane or walker or wheelchair).

      Frankly, I've never known how to look fashionable (though I will listen to my begging friends, if they are begging me to do something easy), so I don't quite have the ability for the levels of embarrassment that regular people do.

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  8. I love the grim reaper cat. Thank you for an inspiring post.

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    1. Grim reaper cat made me laugh - I'm so glad you liked him too. :-)

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  9. I am so sorry to hear about your friend, so sad. It certainly puts things in perspective doesn't it? Glad you are ok after your fall.

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    1. It certainly does put things in perspective. Hope you're stayin' safe with the oncoming storm!

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  10. That blows about your friend. Can't imagine how that must feel.

    And about your injury too.

    You know..I was on this treadmill of workaholism in my quest to retire early. I was working long hours, saving, saving, saving.

    I have a great marriage, and am content and I dunno. Something kept tugging at me. So I gave it all up to pursue something that is equally rewarding and frustrating (b/c I am dealing with all the bad isms which makes me want to throw in the towel). I'm doing bike advocacy full time in an effort so I can do good. Originally I thought I'd do something altruistic after I was well settled and retired. And then I thought, what if I get some illness, what if I never decide that I'm well settled. What if...

    So I jumped in with two feet and every day is a new adventure, but quite filled with unknowns. I'm following a very unknown path and I don't know if I'll ever reach any measurable way of attaining success, but I do want to leave this world knowing that I did my best and that I gave it my best shot. So that's what I'm doing!

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    1. I think that is totally fantastic! And I can think of no one who is better suited to be a full time bike advocate! Hooray for you!!!

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